Alright, UPN, listen. Having to sit through Fraser and Cheers to get to South Park every night is unbelievable. This is a fascist act and it is entirely reprehensible.
Someone who works for UPN thought Fraser and Cheers were good TV programs. This person could not be more incorrect. Just because thousands of lonely old people like to watch Fraser and Cheers for no reason other than they are lonely every night DOES NOT make the daily airing acceptable.
I must admit, I have sat through an episode or two of Fraser. But, it's goddamn terrible every time. However, I have NEVER been able to sit through an entire episode of Cheers. Nothing could be less entertaining to me. Why don't I get it? I'd rather read a book about a paper bag factory than watch Cheers. I'm serious. I'd rather organize someone's stamp collection than watch Cheers. You get it.
The fact that I have to wait for these two shows to broadcast before I can watch South Park makes my blood boil. Every night I lose an hour because of you.
Stop it.
I would rather watch Bananas in Pajamas for an hour than Fraser and Cheers. Put that on. For the love of God, just play reruns of Golden Girls, I'd even rather watch that. Anything!
I give up. You've sucked the life out of me. Seriously, you people suck.
Love,
Dan
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Hire me, please.
Dear Prospective Employers,
Hi. My name is Dan. I need a job. Please, before you stop reading, give me a chance.
Listen, I know my resume sucks. I just graduated, what do you want from me? Seriously.
I know I didn't go to an ivy league school.
However, here is what I can promise you:
I am not an idiot. I have personality. I am a good worker. I also count as a minority hire (red hair - less than 1% of the population). I can eat 6+ double cheeseburgers from McDonald's. I have good hygiene. I am good at Sega Genesis, and also computer solitaire. I can do 20 push-ups. I am incredibly good at dancing like a white man.
I could go on, but I'm sure you're already dialing my phone number.
Give me a goddamn interview. I realize you might want someone who just graduated in '08 that has 5+ years of experience in whatever field you're recruiting. And they also went to a top 20 university. And they're a champion triathlete/squash player/speed reader/hispanic horse racing jockey fluent in 5 languages.
Well, guess what, you're a jackass. That person doesn't exist. Guess what does exist! My ass. Now kiss it.
I realize my resume isn't covered in glitter and dipped in gold. But, if you interview me, you'll realize that not only will I work for less, I'm also more competent than that person with experience. I promise. Well, at least the first part is true.
I hate my job. I want a new one. Help me out. Otherwise, I'm moving to California. Seriously, I'll do it, try me. At least I can be a bum there and not feel pathetic.
Sincerely,
Daniel N. Fishman
Future Homeless Man
Hi. My name is Dan. I need a job. Please, before you stop reading, give me a chance.
Listen, I know my resume sucks. I just graduated, what do you want from me? Seriously.
I know I didn't go to an ivy league school.
However, here is what I can promise you:
I am not an idiot. I have personality. I am a good worker. I also count as a minority hire (red hair - less than 1% of the population). I can eat 6+ double cheeseburgers from McDonald's. I have good hygiene. I am good at Sega Genesis, and also computer solitaire. I can do 20 push-ups. I am incredibly good at dancing like a white man.
I could go on, but I'm sure you're already dialing my phone number.
Give me a goddamn interview. I realize you might want someone who just graduated in '08 that has 5+ years of experience in whatever field you're recruiting. And they also went to a top 20 university. And they're a champion triathlete/squash player/speed reader/hispanic horse racing jockey fluent in 5 languages.
Well, guess what, you're a jackass. That person doesn't exist. Guess what does exist! My ass. Now kiss it.
I realize my resume isn't covered in glitter and dipped in gold. But, if you interview me, you'll realize that not only will I work for less, I'm also more competent than that person with experience. I promise. Well, at least the first part is true.
I hate my job. I want a new one. Help me out. Otherwise, I'm moving to California. Seriously, I'll do it, try me. At least I can be a bum there and not feel pathetic.
Sincerely,
Daniel N. Fishman
Future Homeless Man
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Insensitivity Sells?
Why is insensitive humor so goddamn funny? I mean, seriously, I don't consider myself that terrible of a person (I know many who are worse). Yet I frequently and repeatedly find myself laughing at the most coldhearted humor. Does this mean I'm (sub)consciously an asshole? Or am I finding humor only in the outlandishness of insensitivity?
For instance:
- The funniest TV characters are always the rude/callous ones: Homer Simpson, Eric Cartman, Master Shake, Dwight Schrute, Eric Cartman, Peter Griffin, Eric Cartman, and Eric Cartman.
- I find (some/many) jokes about suicide and disease to be humorous. Oops?
- I find (some) jokes about terrorism/terrorists (a little/very) funny.
(I may or may not have seen a fake terrorist video filmed on the 4th of July).
- Chris Benoit.
- It's funny to me when people fall.
- Sometimes it's still funny even if they get hurt.
- Sometimes it's more funny..** ##
- Jan Palach.
- Et al.
What I don't understand is, most of my friends have a similar sense of humor. I wouldn't be friends with that many insensitive people, would I? Well, only if I myself were insensitive.
Oh.
All of these popular characters, though, these characters wouldn't be funny to the majority of people unless... Insensitivity wouldn't sell unless... Unless the majority of people were insensitive.
Oh.
I think I answered my own question. Sorry if I've offended anyone (If I did... kill yourself). Just kidding. Have a nice day!
** On a side note. I was searching for appropriately funny videos on youtube - and apparently I'm not as bad as I thought. Some of them are pretty terrible. Though I found this one to be a little intense, because old people (see: "The Elderly") are usually a touchy subject, the hilarity of the fall more than made up for it.
## Also, I was surprised by the popularity of people falling down escalators on youtube. Apparently that's a popular thing these days. Who knows anymore with these kids.
For instance:
- The funniest TV characters are always the rude/callous ones: Homer Simpson, Eric Cartman, Master Shake, Dwight Schrute, Eric Cartman, Peter Griffin, Eric Cartman, and Eric Cartman.
- I find (some/many) jokes about suicide and disease to be humorous. Oops?
- I find (some) jokes about terrorism/terrorists (a little/very) funny.
(I may or may not have seen a fake terrorist video filmed on the 4th of July).
- Chris Benoit.
- It's funny to me when people fall.
- Sometimes it's still funny even if they get hurt.
- Sometimes it's more funny..** ##
- Jan Palach.
- Et al.
What I don't understand is, most of my friends have a similar sense of humor. I wouldn't be friends with that many insensitive people, would I? Well, only if I myself were insensitive.
Oh.
All of these popular characters, though, these characters wouldn't be funny to the majority of people unless... Insensitivity wouldn't sell unless... Unless the majority of people were insensitive.
Oh.
I think I answered my own question. Sorry if I've offended anyone (If I did... kill yourself). Just kidding. Have a nice day!
** On a side note. I was searching for appropriately funny videos on youtube - and apparently I'm not as bad as I thought. Some of them are pretty terrible. Though I found this one to be a little intense, because old people (see: "The Elderly") are usually a touchy subject, the hilarity of the fall more than made up for it.
## Also, I was surprised by the popularity of people falling down escalators on youtube. Apparently that's a popular thing these days. Who knows anymore with these kids.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Shake off the Dust
I went to Costco the other day. The day after I got back from Las Vegas. I went in foggy-headed, a little disoriented. Time to get a few essentials, to be supplemented with fresh goods and non-bulk items from the local grocer.
Almost 2 hours later, I loaded into the car and looked at the receipt. I must have blacked out inside; I had purchased a boat, an eight-pack of baby basinets, a new set of tires for my car AND bicycle, and a 30-gallon drum of seasoning salt. I had to take out a bridge loan and a second and third mortgage in order to afford what I bought, and really, I thought I was just shopping light.
I love Costco.
Even in an economic downturn, we balance our needs and wants very differently here in America. I don't need 28 lbs. of chicken nuggets - but I damn sure wanted them. I don't need 80 packs of chewing gum - but you know what, maybe I want 80 packs of gum. Considering I chew 1-2 pieces per day, and there are 20 pieces in a pack, I've got enough gum to last me about 3 years - which, coincidentally, is when I've scheduled my next Costco visit.
The worst part, however, is that after leaving Costco, I still need to go grocery shopping. Go figure.
If you tackle it responsibly, Costco is like the promise land. If you go in and get blindsided like me, you might never be the same.
Remember kids, bulk food shop responsibly.
Almost 2 hours later, I loaded into the car and looked at the receipt. I must have blacked out inside; I had purchased a boat, an eight-pack of baby basinets, a new set of tires for my car AND bicycle, and a 30-gallon drum of seasoning salt. I had to take out a bridge loan and a second and third mortgage in order to afford what I bought, and really, I thought I was just shopping light.
I love Costco.
Even in an economic downturn, we balance our needs and wants very differently here in America. I don't need 28 lbs. of chicken nuggets - but I damn sure wanted them. I don't need 80 packs of chewing gum - but you know what, maybe I want 80 packs of gum. Considering I chew 1-2 pieces per day, and there are 20 pieces in a pack, I've got enough gum to last me about 3 years - which, coincidentally, is when I've scheduled my next Costco visit.
The worst part, however, is that after leaving Costco, I still need to go grocery shopping. Go figure.
If you tackle it responsibly, Costco is like the promise land. If you go in and get blindsided like me, you might never be the same.
Remember kids, bulk food shop responsibly.
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