I read this today in the New Yorker. The humor section is usually pretty good but on occasion there's a gem. I hope you enjoy this as much as I did:
Shouts & Murmurs
My Nature Documentary
by Jack Handey July 2, 2007
Show monkey in a tree. Narrator says, “The monkey, proud and smart, in his native habitat. But one thing h does not have . . .” Show a giraffe. “. . . is a long neck, like the giraffe. Which is why nature has allowe them to combine forces.” Show monkey on giraffe’s neck. (Note: Monkey may have to be tied on.
Then the narrator says, “The monkey can now see very far, and has protection from predators. And the giraffe has a little friendly guy to ride around on him.”
The monkey is shot by a poacher and falls from giraffe. Put ketchup on monkey to make him look bloody, but put something bad-tasting in the ketchup or monkey will lick it all off. Shoot BB gun at giraffe to make him run off.
Narrator: “The monkey and the giraffe have been separated.”
Show monkey wandering around, injured, lost and alone. Make him trip, using fishing line attached to his leg. (Try to get this on first take, because after that monkey will probably try to bite off fishing line.)
Show giraffe being chased by a lion. If not too expensive, use full-sized, realistic robotic lion, able to run at full speed. Otherwise get a man in a lion suit.
The oppressive sun beats down on monkey (heat lamp). Monkey looks up with an expression that says, “Why, oh sun, do you torment me so?” (Get good director.)
We see lion eating a giraffe. At first, we think it is our giraffe, but then we are relieved to see it is a baby giraffe.
Rock slide covers monkey (fake monkey). Show monkey crawling out (real monkey with a few heavy rocks laid on top of him).
Narrator: “Can the monkey and the giraffe survive? Will they ever be reunited?”
Show monkey trying to join group of monkeys (real monkeys or children in monkey suits, whichever is cheaper). Our monkey is driven away by the leader of the monkey pack, a vicious, snarling brute (papier-mâché marionette). Subtitle translates snarls as “You thought you were so great when you were riding on that giraffe’s neck, but you aren’t so high and mighty now.”
Show giraffe, alone in the darkness, shivering from fear (ice packs on legs). Finally, he falls asleep (sleeping pills?). We see his dream. In it, the giraffe fearfully approaches a gravestone. At first, he can’t make out the name on it, but when he finally does he is shocked. The name on the gravestone reads, “The Monkey.” The giraffe wakes up in a cold sweat (heat lamp).
Show two female explorers swimming in a crystal-clear lagoon, so you can see they’re nude. Narrator: “Meanwhile, nearby are two explorers, Laci and Brandy.” Show the explorers swimming for quite a while. Then show them getting dressed and leaving. We notice they have left behind a pair of binoculars.
The monkey is starving now. We know this because when he looks at a parrot on a branch it turns into a roasted, steaming parrot on a branch.
Narrator: “The monkey is now at the end of his rope. So he puts his faith in the Almighty.” Monkey prays. (Glue monkey’s hands together.) Show monkey walking along later. (Be sure to unglue hands first.) He sees a glowing treasure chest and opens it—it’s filled with bananas. (Have choir singing in background, so you know it’s from God.)
Refreshed and healed by that good banana nutrition, the monkey heads off. For comic relief, show monkey approaching a skunk and getting sprayed. If monkey will not approach skunk, feed monkey whiskey so he will relax and go up to skunk. However, do not let him drink too much or he may kill skunk.
Show monkey finding binoculars. Monkey learns how to use binoculars. (Have plenty of film, because this may take a long time.) Monkey climbs up tree and scans horizon. We see his point of view, which finally focusses on, yes, the giraffe! He screams (BB pellet) with joy.
Just then, the giraffe is shot by a tranquillizer dart. We show the shooters, two trappers from a zoo. We know they are evil because we saw a part earlier where they were shooting each other with tranquillizer darts, to get high.
Cut to a truck travelling across the savanna. In a cage in the back is the giraffe, looking sad (half a sleeping pill). But then we reveal that it’s not the two trappers driving the truck but the monkey! (Note: Use cheap truck, because monkey will probably wreck it.)
Show the two trappers sitting on the ground, tied up. No need to show how the monkey captured them; just have one of the trappers say, “That damn monkey!”
Show monkey releasing giraffe from cage and monkey leaping onto neck of giraffe. (Note: Monkey may not do this, so put monkey on giraffe’s neck and jerk back with harness; then show film in reverse.)
Narrator: “The monkey and the giraffe are reunited at last, as nature intended.” Show giraffe trying in vain to reach a piece of fruit high on a tree branch. The monkey clambers up on top of giraffe’s head and picks the fruit, but then eats it himself. The giraffe shakes his head and laughs. (Give giraffe something to induce choking, then dub in laughing sounds.)
Show the two female explorers returning to the lagoon, looking for the binoculars. They can’t find them, so they just decide to go swimming again.
Monkey and giraffe gallop off into sunset. Question: Would it be too much to show monkey wearing a little cowboy hat? Cute, but maybe hurts reality of the documentary. ♦
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Monday, June 25, 2007
Lack of Posting
Alright, so Julie finally called me out on not having posted anything in almost a week. You know what, Julie? You also think I'm a raging alcoholic who has no social graces, so... ...Damn, I guess you're pretty intuitive.
In case you didn't get that reference, and for everyone else out there: Today, Julie reminded me that "nobody gets shitfaced" after kickball, because she obviously thinks I am going to get out of hand tomorrow (and I might just to spite her). Why, you ask, would I decide to get out of hand tomorrow? Because I am FINALLY finished with school for the summer!! I had three VERY late nights since last Wednesday preparing a 20-minute presentation, a 14-page research report, and a 10-page final (all for the same class, mind you), all with absolutely no motivation at all (recurring theme in my life). I also studied for my other class's final, but that class wasn't difficult and involved little to no outside work.
So you know what, Julie, maybe I want to get a little drunk tomorrow. And maybe I didn't feel like posting in my blog after agonizing through 25 pages of garbage writing in the last 4 days.
Anyway, not to dump on Julie any longer, I won't get drunk tomorrow until after I part ways with the kickball people for the evening. And here is that post you've been thirsting for - also, due to the fact that this has been directed mostly towards you, you should probably feel pretty famous now, Hersh-K.
So, I started my new job last week, too. So far, so good. More to come on this later (if anything interesting happens at work).
Today, I had carryout from PF Chang's for dinner (while at work). I hate that place, and going in there makes me feel like even more of a doofus. The decorum is just stupid, everything is so fake, and they have desserts with names like "The Great Wall of Chocolate" which, though I've heard it is delicious (and I'm sure it is, because it's chocolate cake, and chocolate cake is effing money), makes me want to choke someone. However, the meal was tasty, and I am certain I will find my way back there again soon for more carryout.
Let's see, other updates... Yesterday I went to Costco with a list of three (3) items. My list was: bagel bites, contact solution, tuna fish. I spent $110. Not because I bought a lot of bagel bites, contact solution (they didn't even have that), and tuna fish, oh no. Because, my friends, I have no willpower. Several things caught my eye as we strolled up and down the aisles, and, well, I bought a 157-piece wrench set. I can't even hang a picture frame, and I bought 157 wrenches. And if you think that's bad, Matt and Jonathan almost bought an inflatable water-slide that would have filled their entire living room. I love Costco. (PS I didn't buy those wrenches, I tried to put them in the cart but I blew out my back - God does not want me to fix things [remember, I am half Jewish]). Also, speaking of Jews and things they do and do not do well, Matt tried to dunk on a 20-foot basketball hoop at Costco and came up about 13 feet short. So close.
After Costco I went toga shopping for Monika's awesome toga birthday party. Yes, I am going into my 4th year in college, and yes, Monika graduated last year. I am still going to a toga party, so you can kiss my ass. And my toga is effing sweet. I can't wait to post pictures (and yes, I will do everything I can to make sure at least one nipple is showing).
Okay, that's quite enough for now. Work early tomorrow again, then kickball and probably karaoke (and infinity beers). I'll hope to catch up with you again before the weekend. Until then - watch our for your corn-hole, man.
In case you didn't get that reference, and for everyone else out there: Today, Julie reminded me that "nobody gets shitfaced" after kickball, because she obviously thinks I am going to get out of hand tomorrow (and I might just to spite her). Why, you ask, would I decide to get out of hand tomorrow? Because I am FINALLY finished with school for the summer!! I had three VERY late nights since last Wednesday preparing a 20-minute presentation, a 14-page research report, and a 10-page final (all for the same class, mind you), all with absolutely no motivation at all (recurring theme in my life). I also studied for my other class's final, but that class wasn't difficult and involved little to no outside work.
So you know what, Julie, maybe I want to get a little drunk tomorrow. And maybe I didn't feel like posting in my blog after agonizing through 25 pages of garbage writing in the last 4 days.
Anyway, not to dump on Julie any longer, I won't get drunk tomorrow until after I part ways with the kickball people for the evening. And here is that post you've been thirsting for - also, due to the fact that this has been directed mostly towards you, you should probably feel pretty famous now, Hersh-K.
So, I started my new job last week, too. So far, so good. More to come on this later (if anything interesting happens at work).
Today, I had carryout from PF Chang's for dinner (while at work). I hate that place, and going in there makes me feel like even more of a doofus. The decorum is just stupid, everything is so fake, and they have desserts with names like "The Great Wall of Chocolate" which, though I've heard it is delicious (and I'm sure it is, because it's chocolate cake, and chocolate cake is effing money), makes me want to choke someone. However, the meal was tasty, and I am certain I will find my way back there again soon for more carryout.
Let's see, other updates... Yesterday I went to Costco with a list of three (3) items. My list was: bagel bites, contact solution, tuna fish. I spent $110. Not because I bought a lot of bagel bites, contact solution (they didn't even have that), and tuna fish, oh no. Because, my friends, I have no willpower. Several things caught my eye as we strolled up and down the aisles, and, well, I bought a 157-piece wrench set. I can't even hang a picture frame, and I bought 157 wrenches. And if you think that's bad, Matt and Jonathan almost bought an inflatable water-slide that would have filled their entire living room. I love Costco. (PS I didn't buy those wrenches, I tried to put them in the cart but I blew out my back - God does not want me to fix things [remember, I am half Jewish]). Also, speaking of Jews and things they do and do not do well, Matt tried to dunk on a 20-foot basketball hoop at Costco and came up about 13 feet short. So close.
After Costco I went toga shopping for Monika's awesome toga birthday party. Yes, I am going into my 4th year in college, and yes, Monika graduated last year. I am still going to a toga party, so you can kiss my ass. And my toga is effing sweet. I can't wait to post pictures (and yes, I will do everything I can to make sure at least one nipple is showing).
Okay, that's quite enough for now. Work early tomorrow again, then kickball and probably karaoke (and infinity beers). I'll hope to catch up with you again before the weekend. Until then - watch our for your corn-hole, man.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Sunburn
As you may or may not know, I spent the weekend on the beach in Connecticut.
As you may or may not know, I am a ginger kid.
I like to be in the sunlight, but whenever I am (for more than 20 minutes) the sun and my skin have violent battles, and the sun always wins. This weekend was no different.
My chest and stomach are beet red. Barn red. Fire-engine red. Whatever you want to call it... Red. The best part is the way my abdomen formed a crease around the belly button from sitting up in a beach chair (and being out of shape), I burned a smiley face onto my belly. It's kind of adorable, and the ladies love it. Just ask Monika or Karlyn, both beautiful ladies, both attracted to my lovely sunburn.
The weekend was very relaxing, hanging out with BPS and his family (one of the best families ever). I was due for my annual debilitating sunburn, so I can go ahead and check that off of this year's things-to-do list.
I saw Ocean's 13 as well, and all I have to say is: The nose plays.
I'm going to go rub aloe on my nipples.
See you soon (Until next time).
[Kickball tonight - GO AMISH!]
As you may or may not know, I am a ginger kid.
I like to be in the sunlight, but whenever I am (for more than 20 minutes) the sun and my skin have violent battles, and the sun always wins. This weekend was no different.
My chest and stomach are beet red. Barn red. Fire-engine red. Whatever you want to call it... Red. The best part is the way my abdomen formed a crease around the belly button from sitting up in a beach chair (and being out of shape), I burned a smiley face onto my belly. It's kind of adorable, and the ladies love it. Just ask Monika or Karlyn, both beautiful ladies, both attracted to my lovely sunburn.
The weekend was very relaxing, hanging out with BPS and his family (one of the best families ever). I was due for my annual debilitating sunburn, so I can go ahead and check that off of this year's things-to-do list.
I saw Ocean's 13 as well, and all I have to say is: The nose plays.
I'm going to go rub aloe on my nipples.
See you soon (Until next time).
[Kickball tonight - GO AMISH!]
Monday, June 18, 2007
Movies
Julie tagged me in her blog to list my top 12 movies. I started compiling a list, and I had over 20 movies for my top 12 in a matter of moments. So, instead I've decided to adapt this in order to more easily choose 12 movies.
I decided being more specific and choosing a category of movies would make it easier (yet I still had to give some honorable mentions so I didn't skip any). If you know me, you know I love Arnold Schwarzennegger movies (and Matt Damon movies). If you don't know me, you're starting to get to know me by reading this. Read on.
Behold! My top 12 Arnold Schwarzennegger films (in no particular order):
1. Pumping Iron - Incredible movie. Though he was just being himself, not even acting, it's one of my favorite movies and probably would have made the other top 12 list. Arnold's confidence and dominance in bodybuilding as well as this film jumpstarted his success in America, and now he's the governor of the largest state in the Union. "Milk is for babies, real men drink beer." A'men, Governor, a'men.
2. The Terminator - I think Arnold said maybe 50 words in the entire movie. Probably less. But, I'll tell you what, actions speak louder than words. He not only killed dozens of people with the precision and cold ruthlessness that only a machine could execute, but he carved out his own eyeball, and uttered perhaps his most famous line ever, "I'll be back." And he did come back, when he drove a fucking Crown Vic' through the police station lobby, and proceeded to unload banana clip after banana clip of ammunition into unsuspecting police officers. Talk about sticking it to the man. Awesome.
3. Terminator 2 : Judgment Day - One of the rare cases in film history in which a sequel is AS GOOD or BETTER than its predecessor. Terminator 2 was absolutely incredible, and also happened to be the first R-Rated movie both my brother and I ever saw (and look how we turned out!) "There's no fate but what we make for ourselves." This film also features one of the most egregious scenes of police racism ever when the SWAT team storms the skynet building and targets Miles Dyson immediately (after a feeble attempt to fire at the caucasian people in the room), firing AT LEAST 30 rounds into his body (somehow he lived for 3-5 minutes after that). T2 also features a supporting role played by Budnick from "Salute Your Shorts". Anyway, I love this movie, and you should too.
4. Twins - The thought of a genetic experiment producing twin brothers of Arnold Schwarzennegger and Danny DeVito: perfect. Science really is cool, and for DeVito and Schwarzennegger to be brothers, too good. Plus, Arnold dead-lifts the back of a car, and throws a guy through a glass window. Also, the blonde girl he gets with is so hot in a 1980s sense. My favorite scene is probably Arnold singing "Yakkity Yak" on the airplane with headphones on. "Yakkity Yak, don't go back!"
5. Junior - Arnold Schwarzennegger, the first man to (thanks to the miracle of science) get pregnant and give birth (through cesarean section due to his lack of a vagina) to a baby. Also starring Danny DeVito - the duo was too good to not make another movie together. I will say no more.
6. Kindergarten Cop - Thanks to the geniuses that created the Arnold soundboards for making prank phone calls, this movie is absolutely essential. So many incredible lines: "Who is your daddy, and what does he do?", "It's not a tumor!", "STOP IT!", etc. The idea of Arnold as an undercover police officer playing kindergarten teacher promises for almost constant entertaintment.
7. The Running Man - This might be my #1 Arnold movie, it's definitely top 3 (with Terminator and T2). This movie, also starring Richard Dawson (the perverted ex-host of Family Feud who used to make out with all of the women on the show) really foreshadowed the direction in which American TV was going. This movie was about a game show in the future that pitted prisoners facing the death penalty against armed/trained warriors in an arena. Audience members would choose which "stalker" the prisoner had to face. Basically, everyone died immediately and nobody ever won their freedom through this game - until Arnold was the biggest badass ever to be placed in the arena. Arnold killed one after another of the TV show's "stalkers" with his bare hands, and had some great lines: "He had to split" (after cutting one guy in half with a chain saw), "What a pain in the neck" (after strangling a guy with barbed wire), etc. Also, when Arnold signs the contract to go on the TV show, he uses a guy's back as a table, and then stabs the pen into the guy's back when he places the tiddle (you like that reference?) over the i in his name, Ben Richards.
8. Total Recall - Alien woman with three breasts. Yep. You get to see all 3 of them. It was 50% better than most nude scenes. Also, Arnold pulls a giant futuristic tracking device out of his nose with plyers.
9. Predator - Another legitimately good movie. "GET TO THE CHOPPER! GET TO THE CHOPPER!!" Featuring I believe 3 future governors (or maybe 2 governors and a state senator, whatever, 3 elected officials), or so I hear. 2 are confirmed, Arnold and Jesse "The Body" Ventura. Someone told me that another guy was a governor, or maybe a state senator or something, for a short period of time in the south, so rather than look this up, I will believe him.
10. Commando - Perhaps one of the greatest one-man arsenals I've ever seen. Arnold fired so many bullets in the climactic scenes of this movie, violence lost all meaning to me, and I almost killed someone. But I didn't have a gun, thank goodness. Because seriously, that scene made me want to fire guns at people more than anything in my life ever has, except maybe "Eraser".
11. True Lies - Jamie Lee Curtis stripping (simultaenously attractive and repulsive - she has nice boobies but was born with a penis [and, allegedly, a vagina]), Arnold flying a Harrier Jet, Tom Arnold being himself (pathetic), Bill Paxton as a used-car salesman, Arnold chasing a terrorist through a hotel on horseback, Charlton Heston, a shootout in a public bathroom (resulting in a terrified old man reading the newspaper on the can)... I could go on. And will: Arnold screaming, "THE BRIDGE IS OUT!", Arnold breaking Bill Paxton's nose in a hallucination, Arnold making Bill Paxton pee his pants, etc.
12. Conan the Barbarian - Arnold took a break from bodybuilding to make this movie, and then went back to it to win Mr. Olympia again, effortlessly (see: The Comeback [little-known sequel to Pumping Iron]). And he has long hair and a broadsword. And he sleeps with a sorceress and then throws her in the fire afterwards (beats making her breakfast). Badass.
Honorable mention:
Eraser - This movie also made me want to shoot people. Arnold killed a crocodile or alligator in some sort of aquarium, and follows it up with, "You're luggage." Also, a bad guy's limo gets hit by a train and the following dialogue takes place:
Person 1: "Where's so-and-so (guy that got hit by train) ? "
Arnold: "He caught a train."
Class-A material there.
Jingle All the Way, Conan the Destroyer, Last Action Hero, Red Heat (Arnold holds a burning coal in his hand while remaining stone-faced - impressive [and I heard he really did that when they filmed it just to prove his manliness, and also someone who worked on the set ate Arnold's salami sandwich and he broke that man's neck between his pecs - true story.])
Worst Arnold movie ever: Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (If the female terminator actually got naked instead of just teasing us, it might have made the top 12 - but no, they had to have "class". F that.)
This ended up being longer than I had hoped, so hopefully you didn't lose interest early. If there are any movies on this list you haven't seen, you need to. And I will watch them with you if you'd like. Here's praying for a Constitutional Amendment that allows immigrants to become president, because that's the logical next step for Schwarzennegger. Start lobbying immediately.
I hope to eventually post about my weekend in Connecticut (excellent) and my sunburn (epic). Until next time.
I decided being more specific and choosing a category of movies would make it easier (yet I still had to give some honorable mentions so I didn't skip any). If you know me, you know I love Arnold Schwarzennegger movies (and Matt Damon movies). If you don't know me, you're starting to get to know me by reading this. Read on.
Behold! My top 12 Arnold Schwarzennegger films (in no particular order):
1. Pumping Iron - Incredible movie. Though he was just being himself, not even acting, it's one of my favorite movies and probably would have made the other top 12 list. Arnold's confidence and dominance in bodybuilding as well as this film jumpstarted his success in America, and now he's the governor of the largest state in the Union. "Milk is for babies, real men drink beer." A'men, Governor, a'men.
2. The Terminator - I think Arnold said maybe 50 words in the entire movie. Probably less. But, I'll tell you what, actions speak louder than words. He not only killed dozens of people with the precision and cold ruthlessness that only a machine could execute, but he carved out his own eyeball, and uttered perhaps his most famous line ever, "I'll be back." And he did come back, when he drove a fucking Crown Vic' through the police station lobby, and proceeded to unload banana clip after banana clip of ammunition into unsuspecting police officers. Talk about sticking it to the man. Awesome.
3. Terminator 2 : Judgment Day - One of the rare cases in film history in which a sequel is AS GOOD or BETTER than its predecessor. Terminator 2 was absolutely incredible, and also happened to be the first R-Rated movie both my brother and I ever saw (and look how we turned out!) "There's no fate but what we make for ourselves." This film also features one of the most egregious scenes of police racism ever when the SWAT team storms the skynet building and targets Miles Dyson immediately (after a feeble attempt to fire at the caucasian people in the room), firing AT LEAST 30 rounds into his body (somehow he lived for 3-5 minutes after that). T2 also features a supporting role played by Budnick from "Salute Your Shorts". Anyway, I love this movie, and you should too.
4. Twins - The thought of a genetic experiment producing twin brothers of Arnold Schwarzennegger and Danny DeVito: perfect. Science really is cool, and for DeVito and Schwarzennegger to be brothers, too good. Plus, Arnold dead-lifts the back of a car, and throws a guy through a glass window. Also, the blonde girl he gets with is so hot in a 1980s sense. My favorite scene is probably Arnold singing "Yakkity Yak" on the airplane with headphones on. "Yakkity Yak, don't go back!"
5. Junior - Arnold Schwarzennegger, the first man to (thanks to the miracle of science) get pregnant and give birth (through cesarean section due to his lack of a vagina) to a baby. Also starring Danny DeVito - the duo was too good to not make another movie together. I will say no more.
6. Kindergarten Cop - Thanks to the geniuses that created the Arnold soundboards for making prank phone calls, this movie is absolutely essential. So many incredible lines: "Who is your daddy, and what does he do?", "It's not a tumor!", "STOP IT!", etc. The idea of Arnold as an undercover police officer playing kindergarten teacher promises for almost constant entertaintment.
7. The Running Man - This might be my #1 Arnold movie, it's definitely top 3 (with Terminator and T2). This movie, also starring Richard Dawson (the perverted ex-host of Family Feud who used to make out with all of the women on the show) really foreshadowed the direction in which American TV was going. This movie was about a game show in the future that pitted prisoners facing the death penalty against armed/trained warriors in an arena. Audience members would choose which "stalker" the prisoner had to face. Basically, everyone died immediately and nobody ever won their freedom through this game - until Arnold was the biggest badass ever to be placed in the arena. Arnold killed one after another of the TV show's "stalkers" with his bare hands, and had some great lines: "He had to split" (after cutting one guy in half with a chain saw), "What a pain in the neck" (after strangling a guy with barbed wire), etc. Also, when Arnold signs the contract to go on the TV show, he uses a guy's back as a table, and then stabs the pen into the guy's back when he places the tiddle (you like that reference?) over the i in his name, Ben Richards.
8. Total Recall - Alien woman with three breasts. Yep. You get to see all 3 of them. It was 50% better than most nude scenes. Also, Arnold pulls a giant futuristic tracking device out of his nose with plyers.
9. Predator - Another legitimately good movie. "GET TO THE CHOPPER! GET TO THE CHOPPER!!" Featuring I believe 3 future governors (or maybe 2 governors and a state senator, whatever, 3 elected officials), or so I hear. 2 are confirmed, Arnold and Jesse "The Body" Ventura. Someone told me that another guy was a governor, or maybe a state senator or something, for a short period of time in the south, so rather than look this up, I will believe him.
10. Commando - Perhaps one of the greatest one-man arsenals I've ever seen. Arnold fired so many bullets in the climactic scenes of this movie, violence lost all meaning to me, and I almost killed someone. But I didn't have a gun, thank goodness. Because seriously, that scene made me want to fire guns at people more than anything in my life ever has, except maybe "Eraser".
11. True Lies - Jamie Lee Curtis stripping (simultaenously attractive and repulsive - she has nice boobies but was born with a penis [and, allegedly, a vagina]), Arnold flying a Harrier Jet, Tom Arnold being himself (pathetic), Bill Paxton as a used-car salesman, Arnold chasing a terrorist through a hotel on horseback, Charlton Heston, a shootout in a public bathroom (resulting in a terrified old man reading the newspaper on the can)... I could go on. And will: Arnold screaming, "THE BRIDGE IS OUT!", Arnold breaking Bill Paxton's nose in a hallucination, Arnold making Bill Paxton pee his pants, etc.
12. Conan the Barbarian - Arnold took a break from bodybuilding to make this movie, and then went back to it to win Mr. Olympia again, effortlessly (see: The Comeback [little-known sequel to Pumping Iron]). And he has long hair and a broadsword. And he sleeps with a sorceress and then throws her in the fire afterwards (beats making her breakfast). Badass.
Honorable mention:
Eraser - This movie also made me want to shoot people. Arnold killed a crocodile or alligator in some sort of aquarium, and follows it up with, "You're luggage." Also, a bad guy's limo gets hit by a train and the following dialogue takes place:
Person 1: "Where's so-and-so (guy that got hit by train) ? "
Arnold: "He caught a train."
Class-A material there.
Jingle All the Way, Conan the Destroyer, Last Action Hero, Red Heat (Arnold holds a burning coal in his hand while remaining stone-faced - impressive [and I heard he really did that when they filmed it just to prove his manliness, and also someone who worked on the set ate Arnold's salami sandwich and he broke that man's neck between his pecs - true story.])
Worst Arnold movie ever: Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (If the female terminator actually got naked instead of just teasing us, it might have made the top 12 - but no, they had to have "class". F that.)
This ended up being longer than I had hoped, so hopefully you didn't lose interest early. If there are any movies on this list you haven't seen, you need to. And I will watch them with you if you'd like. Here's praying for a Constitutional Amendment that allows immigrants to become president, because that's the logical next step for Schwarzennegger. Start lobbying immediately.
I hope to eventually post about my weekend in Connecticut (excellent) and my sunburn (epic). Until next time.
Friday, June 15, 2007
In Love....
Tonight, I met the love of my life.
After work finished at about 10:30, Monika, Karlyn and I went to Clery's for a couple of drinks. We met my roommate Sarah and her work friends from her co-op (which ends tomorrow). The three of us had a couple of drinks, some laughs, love was in the air.
Someone in Sarah's party of coworkers (we'll call him wing-man), facilitated the love that will beat with the strength of 1,000 bass drums forever in my heart. This individual, my wing-man, ordered Clery's chicken fingers. I am in love.
Before, I thought of Clery's as just another bar, with a suspect crowd of former frat guys with their shaved chests and button-down shirts unbuttoned just enough to show the world that their chests are indeed shaved (in case you doubted them [how dare you doubt them, they WERE in a fraternity, jeezus]).
Well, my friends, I truly believed that Clery's was nothing speecial - that is, until I tried their chicken fingers. (And here's Monika saying, "I told you so!" the whole time, well, Monika, you need to introduce me to your friends [or favorite foods] more often, k?)
O, how I love thee, Clery's chicken fingers. Let me count the ways:
Your crispy breading causes such unfathomable moistness
The mystery sauce that I dip thee in is truly marvelous
Where did you come from? Did you sprout wings and float from heaven?
Until we meet again, stay the way you are; never change. I love you.
Those chicken fingers were fuckin' good.
Goodnight.
Going to CT for the weekend, see you on Sunday.
After work finished at about 10:30, Monika, Karlyn and I went to Clery's for a couple of drinks. We met my roommate Sarah and her work friends from her co-op (which ends tomorrow). The three of us had a couple of drinks, some laughs, love was in the air.
Someone in Sarah's party of coworkers (we'll call him wing-man), facilitated the love that will beat with the strength of 1,000 bass drums forever in my heart. This individual, my wing-man, ordered Clery's chicken fingers. I am in love.
Before, I thought of Clery's as just another bar, with a suspect crowd of former frat guys with their shaved chests and button-down shirts unbuttoned just enough to show the world that their chests are indeed shaved (in case you doubted them [how dare you doubt them, they WERE in a fraternity, jeezus]).
Well, my friends, I truly believed that Clery's was nothing speecial - that is, until I tried their chicken fingers. (And here's Monika saying, "I told you so!" the whole time, well, Monika, you need to introduce me to your friends [or favorite foods] more often, k?)
O, how I love thee, Clery's chicken fingers. Let me count the ways:
Your crispy breading causes such unfathomable moistness
The mystery sauce that I dip thee in is truly marvelous
Where did you come from? Did you sprout wings and float from heaven?
Until we meet again, stay the way you are; never change. I love you.
Those chicken fingers were fuckin' good.
Goodnight.
Going to CT for the weekend, see you on Sunday.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Rock Bottom
Bear with me if you've heard this already.
Today, I was waiting for Tim in my car outside of Whiskey's, listening to music, hoping he'd hurry up so we weren't late to kickball (incidentally we were on time and we won, playing great team defense and producing enough runs to give us even more confidence when fielding). As I was sitting there, a man approached my window. He had a scruffy beard, his hair was unkempt, his eyes bloodshot, he looked sort of unhealthy. I would predict that this man did not have a home. When he asked me if I had any change for him, this also pointed towards homelessness in my brain. I shook my head. He started to walk away and said, "Nice wheels!"
Pause for a second.
It sounds like a compliment, doesn't it? Take a closer look.
I drive a 1999 "Burnt-Orange" Pontiac Sunfire with fake plastic hub caps, a suicide knob, a broken sun roof, and a bunch of bumper stickers. It hasn't been washed in over 6 months. You didn't hear this gentleman's tone of voice. He was making fun of my car. A homeless man made fun of my car. This happened today. He doesn't have a home, and he was asking me for change, and he made fun of my car.
I should probably think about getting a new car. And you know what, when I do, I am going to find this man, and give him the Sunfire. Unfortunately a new car is not in the books for several years... I'm thinking 2012 or when it dies, whichever comes first (probably the latter).
You know what? I like my car. It works just fine, and even if that homeless guy wants to make fun of it, I will still enjoy driving it.
Who am I kidding? It's kind of embarrassing. But what is a car other than a means to get from A to B? It's a status symbol. And what's my status currently? Pretty low, and I'm okay with that.
Thank you, random homeless dude, for legitimizing all of my friends' (and friends' parents') insults of my car over the years. Keep up the good work.
Until next time.
Today, I was waiting for Tim in my car outside of Whiskey's, listening to music, hoping he'd hurry up so we weren't late to kickball (incidentally we were on time and we won, playing great team defense and producing enough runs to give us even more confidence when fielding). As I was sitting there, a man approached my window. He had a scruffy beard, his hair was unkempt, his eyes bloodshot, he looked sort of unhealthy. I would predict that this man did not have a home. When he asked me if I had any change for him, this also pointed towards homelessness in my brain. I shook my head. He started to walk away and said, "Nice wheels!"
Pause for a second.
It sounds like a compliment, doesn't it? Take a closer look.
I drive a 1999 "Burnt-Orange" Pontiac Sunfire with fake plastic hub caps, a suicide knob, a broken sun roof, and a bunch of bumper stickers. It hasn't been washed in over 6 months. You didn't hear this gentleman's tone of voice. He was making fun of my car. A homeless man made fun of my car. This happened today. He doesn't have a home, and he was asking me for change, and he made fun of my car.
I should probably think about getting a new car. And you know what, when I do, I am going to find this man, and give him the Sunfire. Unfortunately a new car is not in the books for several years... I'm thinking 2012 or when it dies, whichever comes first (probably the latter).
You know what? I like my car. It works just fine, and even if that homeless guy wants to make fun of it, I will still enjoy driving it.
Who am I kidding? It's kind of embarrassing. But what is a car other than a means to get from A to B? It's a status symbol. And what's my status currently? Pretty low, and I'm okay with that.
Thank you, random homeless dude, for legitimizing all of my friends' (and friends' parents') insults of my car over the years. Keep up the good work.
Until next time.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Long Time No See
It's been several days since I've had the opportunity to post anything. I know it's new, and you're probably starved for content out there (of course I speak to any of my hundreds of adoring fans). Let's be honest, though, as busy as i am, and as little time as I have to post lately, I really don't have much to say.
This weekend was spent doing the following: working, drinking, sleeping, eating (in no particular order). I haven't had back-to-back drinking nights like this Friday and Saturday in quite some time.. I mean to say that I was in great shape both nights. Needless to say, it was an enjoyable (but expensive) weekend. Work was work, but it went by as well as it could - I'd go as far as to say that I didn't hate work this weekend. Wow.
Friday, I realized that my car had been towed (apparently this happened on Wednesday). Barone drove me to the tow yard, where I paid $130 I don't have to a lady behind at least 6 inches of bulletproof glass. I would have shot her if she was not behind bulletproof glass. So I guess it's serving a purpose. I went to the driving range after I picked up my car. You know why? Because fuck them, that's why. Friday night I met with my roommate Sarah and her coworkers early on at Clery's and ended up in Brookline chasing shots of Jim Beam with dill pickles. I did not feel well on Saturday. My wallet was also in its natural state, which is completely empty.
Saturday I worked, had a lovely lunch with Julie at Whiskey's, and then worked some more. If not for Darren's 22nd birthday, I would have gone to sleep at 7:00 when I got out. Instead, I drank roughly infinity beers (give or take), and did a fair amount of stupid dancing. The hilarious memories of blacked-out Darren acting like a damn fool and having the time of his life made it worth it, and thanks to the enormous pot of delicious macaroni and cheese and gatorade I consumed prior to passing out (I made something like a 2 1/2-hour playlist on iTunes and was unconscious before the end of the first song), I was not hungover at work today.
This evening I enjoyed Kate's delicious cooking and her first attempt at a recipe which can and will be adapted into something special. I was delighted with the results of round 1, and hope to be part of future improvements (always room for improvement with cuisine - except for Smith & Wollensky's truffled macaroni & cheese, a true gift from the food gods). Afterwards, I played some more Punch Out! and was again unable to defeat Super Macho Man. I think I've lost my concentration, I'm not sure what's the matter.
I have so much more to say, and I should have probably linked some of these names and such to their respective blogs, or added pictures, or something, but honestly, I'm very tired. And the effing contractors are coming back in the morning at 9 AM to "work on the ceiling". I forgot to mention they ripped our bathroom apart on Saturday, informing me about 10 minutes ahead of time (fortunately I was on my way out to work and Sarah was going home), and left a nice mess for me to clean up. I can only hope they're as thoroughly messy and intrusive tomorrow, because that would make my day.
Who knows when the next time I'll post will be. I leave you with this picture of an advertisement from my fantasy baseball website. Who does this guy think he is? He looks like such a douche.
Julie, if you've read this far, remind me I need to tell you something about this blog post that some of my other readers might not appreciate or understand. If you haven't read this far, then you smell.
This weekend was spent doing the following: working, drinking, sleeping, eating (in no particular order). I haven't had back-to-back drinking nights like this Friday and Saturday in quite some time.. I mean to say that I was in great shape both nights. Needless to say, it was an enjoyable (but expensive) weekend. Work was work, but it went by as well as it could - I'd go as far as to say that I didn't hate work this weekend. Wow.
Friday, I realized that my car had been towed (apparently this happened on Wednesday). Barone drove me to the tow yard, where I paid $130 I don't have to a lady behind at least 6 inches of bulletproof glass. I would have shot her if she was not behind bulletproof glass. So I guess it's serving a purpose. I went to the driving range after I picked up my car. You know why? Because fuck them, that's why. Friday night I met with my roommate Sarah and her coworkers early on at Clery's and ended up in Brookline chasing shots of Jim Beam with dill pickles. I did not feel well on Saturday. My wallet was also in its natural state, which is completely empty.
Saturday I worked, had a lovely lunch with Julie at Whiskey's, and then worked some more. If not for Darren's 22nd birthday, I would have gone to sleep at 7:00 when I got out. Instead, I drank roughly infinity beers (give or take), and did a fair amount of stupid dancing. The hilarious memories of blacked-out Darren acting like a damn fool and having the time of his life made it worth it, and thanks to the enormous pot of delicious macaroni and cheese and gatorade I consumed prior to passing out (I made something like a 2 1/2-hour playlist on iTunes and was unconscious before the end of the first song), I was not hungover at work today.
This evening I enjoyed Kate's delicious cooking and her first attempt at a recipe which can and will be adapted into something special. I was delighted with the results of round 1, and hope to be part of future improvements (always room for improvement with cuisine - except for Smith & Wollensky's truffled macaroni & cheese, a true gift from the food gods). Afterwards, I played some more Punch Out! and was again unable to defeat Super Macho Man. I think I've lost my concentration, I'm not sure what's the matter.
I have so much more to say, and I should have probably linked some of these names and such to their respective blogs, or added pictures, or something, but honestly, I'm very tired. And the effing contractors are coming back in the morning at 9 AM to "work on the ceiling". I forgot to mention they ripped our bathroom apart on Saturday, informing me about 10 minutes ahead of time (fortunately I was on my way out to work and Sarah was going home), and left a nice mess for me to clean up. I can only hope they're as thoroughly messy and intrusive tomorrow, because that would make my day.
Who knows when the next time I'll post will be. I leave you with this picture of an advertisement from my fantasy baseball website. Who does this guy think he is? He looks like such a douche.
Julie, if you've read this far, remind me I need to tell you something about this blog post that some of my other readers might not appreciate or understand. If you haven't read this far, then you smell.
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
"New" Job
Well, it's official. I got my new job at Lacoste. Farewell to the Gap. I never planned on staying there this long and now I'm moving to a new retail store. The pay is better, the hours are better, the discount is better, it's gonna be good stuff. And, as many of you know, I now get to work side-by-side with BPS (Matt).
On another note, I may need to see a doctor about my wrist. Thank you computer!
Hopefully I'll be able to post more in the coming days, today and tomorrow are both very busy days. Until next time.
On another note, I may need to see a doctor about my wrist. Thank you computer!
Hopefully I'll be able to post more in the coming days, today and tomorrow are both very busy days. Until next time.
Monday, June 4, 2007
Punch Out! and Man Date
Today is a great day. I love life. (Thank you to Bill Cayo, wherever you are [Bill Cayo was my economics teacher in high school who made us say that at the beginning of class maybe 4 out of 5 days a week. {He was Ned Flanders}]).
Today, I downloaded Punch Out! on Matt's Nintendo Wii. I am so goddamn good at Punch Out, yet somehow it never becomes less fun. I sailed all the way to Mr. Sandman, who I defeated after a small amount of trouble, and then when I lost to Super Macho Man (that spin punch is not easy to dodge), I decided to call it quits because it was time to go on my man date.
Matt and I went and saw "Knocked Up" with some of my leftover free AMC movie passes from a program I never actually did back in the fall (still suckling from the RA teet, I love it). On the way to the movie, I got a waffle cone from Ben & Jerry's with oatmeal cookie chunk ice cream. I've been craving ice cream regularly which never used to be a problem until I went to "free cone day" at Ben & Jerry's and ate 27 ice cream cones (I think I actually only had 4). Ever since that fateful day, ice cream haunts my dreams.
I digress.
We purchased discount snacks at CVS and snuck them into the movie, which, while long for a comedy, was still good. I had more than a few good laughs, saw some gratuitous camera shots of a birth canal, vomited a few times, regained composure, vomited some more, blacked out, came to, and enjoyed the ending of the film. Vaginas are great, but seriously, I need some warning if I'm going to be seeing one attached to a woman who is giving birth through it. I don't care if this ruins the movie for anyone, consider this a warning: WATCH THE FUCK OUT. Childbirth is a beautiful thing in much less superficial ways than actually SEEING A CHILD BEING BIRTHED. Other than that, which I (and everyone else) still laughed at due to shock, it was a pretty solid film. Worth seeing. NOT as good as 40 Year Old Virgin (on first view, though).
And that actress that played the main character is SO HOT. My brother says she's not because she has a snaggle tooth and plays a bitch on Gray's Anatomy (Are you sure you're not gay, Adam?) She gets a thumbs up from me. Matt, my man date this evening, immediately went home to look up nipple slip photos on the inter-web. Alas, he came up empty-handed. She's still hot, though, even though she doesn't let her boobies fall out accidentally (or on purpose) in public. I admire her class.
That's it for now. I've been listening to Mitch Hedberg again recently - I suggest you do the same (RIP Mitch).
Today, I downloaded Punch Out! on Matt's Nintendo Wii. I am so goddamn good at Punch Out, yet somehow it never becomes less fun. I sailed all the way to Mr. Sandman, who I defeated after a small amount of trouble, and then when I lost to Super Macho Man (that spin punch is not easy to dodge), I decided to call it quits because it was time to go on my man date.
Matt and I went and saw "Knocked Up" with some of my leftover free AMC movie passes from a program I never actually did back in the fall (still suckling from the RA teet, I love it). On the way to the movie, I got a waffle cone from Ben & Jerry's with oatmeal cookie chunk ice cream. I've been craving ice cream regularly which never used to be a problem until I went to "free cone day" at Ben & Jerry's and ate 27 ice cream cones (I think I actually only had 4). Ever since that fateful day, ice cream haunts my dreams.
I digress.
We purchased discount snacks at CVS and snuck them into the movie, which, while long for a comedy, was still good. I had more than a few good laughs, saw some gratuitous camera shots of a birth canal, vomited a few times, regained composure, vomited some more, blacked out, came to, and enjoyed the ending of the film. Vaginas are great, but seriously, I need some warning if I'm going to be seeing one attached to a woman who is giving birth through it. I don't care if this ruins the movie for anyone, consider this a warning: WATCH THE FUCK OUT. Childbirth is a beautiful thing in much less superficial ways than actually SEEING A CHILD BEING BIRTHED. Other than that, which I (and everyone else) still laughed at due to shock, it was a pretty solid film. Worth seeing. NOT as good as 40 Year Old Virgin (on first view, though).
And that actress that played the main character is SO HOT. My brother says she's not because she has a snaggle tooth and plays a bitch on Gray's Anatomy (Are you sure you're not gay, Adam?) She gets a thumbs up from me. Matt, my man date this evening, immediately went home to look up nipple slip photos on the inter-web. Alas, he came up empty-handed. She's still hot, though, even though she doesn't let her boobies fall out accidentally (or on purpose) in public. I admire her class.
That's it for now. I've been listening to Mitch Hedberg again recently - I suggest you do the same (RIP Mitch).
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Speaking of hilarious photos
This is an incredible picture I found while looking through my miscellaneous folder. That's my friend Colin riding "The Raptor" at Cedar Point Amusement Park. It's arguably the greatest rollercoaster park in the world, and doing everything you can to make a mockery of their action photos is what going there is all about. Look at the fear on Colin's face... you can't fake that. Also, if you look closely, that is indeed a Matt Christopher book. I can't remember which one.
Testing
Am I actually going to start doing this, or am I just bored? Only time will tell... For starters, a classic humorous photo.
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