Movies

Julie tagged me in her blog to list my top 12 movies. I started compiling a list, and I had over 20 movies for my top 12 in a matter of moments. So, instead I've decided to adapt this in order to more easily choose 12 movies.

I decided being more specific and choosing a category of movies would make it easier (yet I still had to give some honorable mentions so I didn't skip any). If you know me, you know I love Arnold Schwarzennegger movies (and Matt Damon movies). If you don't know me, you're starting to get to know me by reading this. Read on.

Behold! My top 12 Arnold Schwarzennegger films (in no particular order):

1. Pumping Iron - Incredible movie. Though he was just being himself, not even acting, it's one of my favorite movies and probably would have made the other top 12 list. Arnold's confidence and dominance in bodybuilding as well as this film jumpstarted his success in America, and now he's the governor of the largest state in the Union. "Milk is for babies, real men drink beer." A'men, Governor, a'men.

2. The Terminator - I think Arnold said maybe 50 words in the entire movie. Probably less. But, I'll tell you what, actions speak louder than words. He not only killed dozens of people with the precision and cold ruthlessness that only a machine could execute, but he carved out his own eyeball, and uttered perhaps his most famous line ever, "I'll be back." And he did come back, when he drove a fucking Crown Vic' through the police station lobby, and proceeded to unload banana clip after banana clip of ammunition into unsuspecting police officers. Talk about sticking it to the man. Awesome.

3. Terminator 2 : Judgment Day - One of the rare cases in film history in which a sequel is AS GOOD or BETTER than its predecessor. Terminator 2 was absolutely incredible, and also happened to be the first R-Rated movie both my brother and I ever saw (and look how we turned out!) "There's no fate but what we make for ourselves." This film also features one of the most egregious scenes of police racism ever when the SWAT team storms the skynet building and targets Miles Dyson immediately (after a feeble attempt to fire at the caucasian people in the room), firing AT LEAST 30 rounds into his body (somehow he lived for 3-5 minutes after that). T2 also features a supporting role played by Budnick from "Salute Your Shorts". Anyway, I love this movie, and you should too.

4. Twins - The thought of a genetic experiment producing twin brothers of Arnold Schwarzennegger and Danny DeVito: perfect. Science really is cool, and for DeVito and Schwarzennegger to be brothers, too good. Plus, Arnold dead-lifts the back of a car, and throws a guy through a glass window. Also, the blonde girl he gets with is so hot in a 1980s sense. My favorite scene is probably Arnold singing "Yakkity Yak" on the airplane with headphones on. "Yakkity Yak, don't go back!"

5. Junior - Arnold Schwarzennegger, the first man to (thanks to the miracle of science) get pregnant and give birth (through cesarean section due to his lack of a vagina) to a baby. Also starring Danny DeVito - the duo was too good to not make another movie together. I will say no more.

6. Kindergarten Cop - Thanks to the geniuses that created the Arnold soundboards for making prank phone calls, this movie is absolutely essential. So many incredible lines: "Who is your daddy, and what does he do?", "It's not a tumor!", "STOP IT!", etc. The idea of Arnold as an undercover police officer playing kindergarten teacher promises for almost constant entertaintment.

7. The Running Man - This might be my #1 Arnold movie, it's definitely top 3 (with Terminator and T2). This movie, also starring Richard Dawson (the perverted ex-host of Family Feud who used to make out with all of the women on the show) really foreshadowed the direction in which American TV was going. This movie was about a game show in the future that pitted prisoners facing the death penalty against armed/trained warriors in an arena. Audience members would choose which "stalker" the prisoner had to face. Basically, everyone died immediately and nobody ever won their freedom through this game - until Arnold was the biggest badass ever to be placed in the arena. Arnold killed one after another of the TV show's "stalkers" with his bare hands, and had some great lines: "He had to split" (after cutting one guy in half with a chain saw), "What a pain in the neck" (after strangling a guy with barbed wire), etc. Also, when Arnold signs the contract to go on the TV show, he uses a guy's back as a table, and then stabs the pen into the guy's back when he places the tiddle (you like that reference?) over the i in his name, Ben Richards.

8. Total Recall - Alien woman with three breasts. Yep. You get to see all 3 of them. It was 50% better than most nude scenes. Also, Arnold pulls a giant futuristic tracking device out of his nose with plyers.

9. Predator - Another legitimately good movie. "GET TO THE CHOPPER! GET TO THE CHOPPER!!" Featuring I believe 3 future governors (or maybe 2 governors and a state senator, whatever, 3 elected officials), or so I hear. 2 are confirmed, Arnold and Jesse "The Body" Ventura. Someone told me that another guy was a governor, or maybe a state senator or something, for a short period of time in the south, so rather than look this up, I will believe him.

10. Commando - Perhaps one of the greatest one-man arsenals I've ever seen. Arnold fired so many bullets in the climactic scenes of this movie, violence lost all meaning to me, and I almost killed someone. But I didn't have a gun, thank goodness. Because seriously, that scene made me want to fire guns at people more than anything in my life ever has, except maybe "Eraser".

11. True Lies - Jamie Lee Curtis stripping (simultaenously attractive and repulsive - she has nice boobies but was born with a penis [and, allegedly, a vagina]), Arnold flying a Harrier Jet, Tom Arnold being himself (pathetic), Bill Paxton as a used-car salesman, Arnold chasing a terrorist through a hotel on horseback, Charlton Heston, a shootout in a public bathroom (resulting in a terrified old man reading the newspaper on the can)... I could go on. And will: Arnold screaming, "THE BRIDGE IS OUT!", Arnold breaking Bill Paxton's nose in a hallucination, Arnold making Bill Paxton pee his pants, etc.

12. Conan the Barbarian - Arnold took a break from bodybuilding to make this movie, and then went back to it to win Mr. Olympia again, effortlessly (see: The Comeback [little-known sequel to Pumping Iron]). And he has long hair and a broadsword. And he sleeps with a sorceress and then throws her in the fire afterwards (beats making her breakfast). Badass.

Honorable mention:

Eraser - This movie also made me want to shoot people. Arnold killed a crocodile or alligator in some sort of aquarium, and follows it up with, "You're luggage." Also, a bad guy's limo gets hit by a train and the following dialogue takes place:

Person 1: "Where's so-and-so (guy that got hit by train) ? "
Arnold: "He caught a train."

Class-A material there.

Jingle All the Way, Conan the Destroyer, Last Action Hero, Red Heat (Arnold holds a burning coal in his hand while remaining stone-faced - impressive [and I heard he really did that when they filmed it just to prove his manliness, and also someone who worked on the set ate Arnold's salami sandwich and he broke that man's neck between his pecs - true story.])

Worst Arnold movie ever: Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (If the female terminator actually got naked instead of just teasing us, it might have made the top 12 - but no, they had to have "class". F that.)

This ended up being longer than I had hoped, so hopefully you didn't lose interest early. If there are any movies on this list you haven't seen, you need to. And I will watch them with you if you'd like. Here's praying for a Constitutional Amendment that allows immigrants to become president, because that's the logical next step for Schwarzennegger. Start lobbying immediately.

I hope to eventually post about my weekend in Connecticut (excellent) and my sunburn (epic). Until next time.