A Free Hair Cut Beats Paying $20 to Look Like an Idiot Any Day

Today, I finally cut my hair. I've been talking about it for awhile, but I tend to get attached to my hair when it grows long, and I don't want to cut it all off. But there always comes a point when I look like such a doofus that I couldn't look much worse by getting it cut. Some people like my hair short, some like it long, and some think I look like a goof no matter what because I have red hair (ahem).

So anyway, my hair was getting long, and it was either a) let it get really long and go to camp in 3 weeks with a greasy mullet, b) cut it NOW and stop talking about it.

The following is photo documentation of my decision.

Thanks for another great haircut, Matt. I owe you some cream soda.



I was having fun in my suit made of torn garbage bags. I'm not sure if that was water on my shirt or sweat, because it was really hot in that apartment and I was covered in plastic. I think it was water, though (I hope).



Matt was really excited to be cutting my hair.



Almost there. It was time to focus and get the job done. We've got bigger fish to fry.



The finished product. Jonathan has a nice camera, so you can see that I am, in fact, sweating. Also, I am a 9 out of 10 on the penis scale (whenever a guy gets his hair cut, looking like a penis for a few days is inevitable). It's a pretty standard hair cut, and I think it will grow in nicely. Excellent work, Matt. I know if I paid money it would have looked much worse and I would feel like an idiot for spending at least $20. Win-win.

Saturday Night Snack Draft

Last night was the first ever Snack Draft.

When the clock struck 3:00 AM on Sunday morning, July 22, 2007, it began.

Let's rewind for a moment here, and fill in the background.

This weekend, my friend Megan was visiting Boston. Megan and I went to high school together, she goes to Michigan State now, but she's doing an internship in Connecticut until December. She came up for the Red Sox game Friday night, and then hung out Friday & Saturday, and went back to CT just a short while ago.

Megan's internship is with Pepperidge Farm .

She works as a packaging engineer (to quote her, "I design shit that stuff comes in"). In her building is a giant pantry stocked with all Pepperidge Farm products, to which the employees are encouraged to help themselves. Cookies, crackers, pretzels, gold fish, etc. Oh yeah, also, Godiva chocolate.

Megan showed up with five (5) grocery bags full of snacks. Five. One of (almost) every snacking product they make, and even some stuff that hasn't hit the shelves yet. I set all of the snacks on the kitchen table, and took a picture.

Enter: Snack Draft. (Well, we're getting there)

Kyle came down last night from UNH to hang out with Megan and I. When he got here, we were out to dinner. We got back shortly after he arrived to find him in his car, parked on the street, pounding a 24-ounce can of Miller Light and eating a bag of fritos. Meet Kyle.

We parked Kyle's car, came back to my apartment, and exchanged pleasantries over some alcoholic beverages. Delicious.

When I showed Kyle the bevy of snacking consumables on the kitchen table, I realized something: I was going to have to share. Megan brought the snacks for Kyle, too. I think there were enough snacks to share; however, we needed a fair way to distribute the snacks between the two of us. We decided to hold a draft. When we got back from the bar, no matter what state we were in, we were going to flip a coin for first pick, and then draft a Snack Team, one package at a time. We appointed Megan the commissioner of the league (due to her vast knowledge of Pepperidge Farm products), and chose a few snacks that would not be part of the draft (we needed something to eat when we got back). With that behind us, we were free to drink our beers and go to the bar (to drink more beers).

What happened at the bar is a story in and of itself. We went to Daisy Buchanan's, which is pretty crappy, but it didn't matter where we were going because fun was in the cards. I haven't been there since turning 21. It's fairly close, convenient to meet people, and some underage friends were there (they'll let pretty much anyone in). We ran into several friends of mine, had a couple others meet us, and what ensued was a great deal of drunken foolishness and shameless dancing. I got about 3 minutes of dance solo footage on my phone of Matt Meehan - if I knew how to post a video (or could), I would do it. It was downright hilarious, and something that you should hate yourself for missing. There might also be photographs and/or video floating around of Barone and I doing some sort of improvisational choreographed dance that can and will prevent me from ever being elected to public office.

Fast forward to 2:45 AM.

After PUNISHING my bladder on the 20-minute walk home (not sure why I didn't urinate in public... Considering I have no shame), we sat around the kitchen table, scouting the snacks for the draft. When the clock struck 3, Megan flipped the coin, and Kyle won the first pick.

With the first pick of the 2007 NOA (National Obesity Association) Snack Draft, Kyle Bruen selects: Black & White Milano Cookies. A strong pick, all-around great snack, no surprises.

Since Megan spilled the beans about the Blazin' Buffalo gold fish and how good they are, I had to take them with my first pick, because I couldn't risk NOT getting them. I needed those Blazin' Buffalo gold fish on my team. I traded my 2nd and 4th round picks for these amaretto chocolate cookie sandwiches that you can't buy in stores yet, giving Kyle a great amount of depth on his team but landing me with a strong core of cookies and crackers, and a formidable front line.

The draft went over really well. The whole thing took about 9 minutes. Megan was falling asleep at the table, so she went to bed, while Kyle and I finsihed the remaining beers in the fridge and analyzed one another's strengths and weaknesses after the draft. At 4:30 in the morning, the beer was gone, and we went to bed.

Here is my team:

**Blazin' Buffalo Flavor-Blasted Gold Fish
* Original Gold Fish
Pretzel Gold Fish
Pizza Gold Fish
Double-Chocolate Milano Cookies
**Chocolate Amaretto Cookie Sandwiches (they're called Rialtos)
Chocolate Chunk Soft-Baked Cookies
Package of roughly 25-30 assorted fancy cookies
**Cappucino Pirouettes
Diabetes
Obesity
Heart Disease

** All-Star nominees
* Team Captain

Also, Kyle forgot about the Godiva chocolate, so I have 5 or 6 packages of that as well. My team looks very strong, and I'm proud to be the coach and general manager.

Great weekend.

I need to exercise.

If I can ever get the pictures off my phone, or even if I can't, I will post soon about my dinner at Pasta Fair and the destruction of my cell phone that occurred last weekend.

Random Notes

DISCLAIMER: WARNING - THIS POST IS INSENSITIVE AND SOME MIGHT CONSIDER "HORRIBLE". IT'S YOUR FAULT IF YOU CHOOSE TO READ IT. NOT MINE.

Hello Friends. Sorry about that; just, you know, some administrative housekeeping.

1 - Kickball. Next week, playoffs begin. Two nights ago was a firm victory in kickball. We played against a competitive team, the Ash Gray team. We played strong team defense (with the exception of some mistakes in the outfield [but it's difficult to play out there]), we kicked the ball intelligently, and ran the bases well. And, to top it all off, the other team had at least three of THESE . Nothing is better than defeating a team full of douches. One of these team members, in a moment of clarity, said to our shortstop, "Hey Man, sorry about our pitcher, he's kind of an asshole." Indeed he was, my friend; Indeed he was. You know when you show up to a game against a guy wearing jeans, you're in for a treat. This guy ranked at about a 9.5 out of the I'm-A-Monstrous-Asshole scale. I would recommend that he Benoit his family... which leads me to my next note.

2 - "Benoit your family." or "Benoit yourself." These are now the new things to say to people when you're angry at them. When our Sales Manager, Matt Wolf, went on vacation 2 weeks ago, it was too soon to say these things as a joke (a sick joke, yes). Apparently since he's returned, the gestation period of jokability has been completed. Today I was told to "Benoit my family" at least 10 times. I laughed all 10. I know, I'm pretty twisted, but sometimes it's funny to say things that are just so uncalled for, so inappropriate, so over the line, so ridiculous. And if you can't see ANY humor in that, well, then you should probably... You know.

3 - Pasta Fair.. This weekend, I finally get to go to Pasta Fair with Matt Skolnick and his family. Matt went to Pasta Fair for about 12-15 years on his birthday, every year. Not because the food is good, oh no. But because Pasta Fair gives you a free birthday cake. Or so he thought. The last time he went there, he looked at the bill, and the cake wasn't free. All these years, he thought he was going there because, hey, what's better than free cake? (The answer is: Nothing.) Turns out, the food is pretty mediocre, but because of the nostalgia and the story that goes along with it - it's wonderful. And I'm pretty excited to have some Italian food that has been described as, "One or two steps above Olive Garden." Because, Olive Garden, shitty or not, is still delicious in my book (a book that is growing quite full). "So, you know, Pasta Fair."

4 - Golf. Today, I went to the driving range. I got out of work at 7:00, and said to myself, "Maybe I won't go to the bar tonight. Maybe I'll go to the driving range on a nice, quiet Thursday, and really take my time hitting some golf balls. Maybe I can straighten out my swing." I went to the driving range. I didn't drink. Good for me. Only problem is, what I assumed would be a quiet Thursday night at the range was full of 16 year olds being idiots and talking about whose parents were going to be out of town this weekend. But I was fine with that, because I was once that 16 year old. What does suck, however, is this: I sprayed the ball all over the range like a lawn sprinkler. Fucking terrible! I really need to quit golf... I'm just not good. I started to get into a rhythm and was blasting some great shots (and impressing the 16 year old girls... Who might have been 15, which is why I didn't try to capitalize [kidding]). My friend Trey called me, and I talked for about 15 minutes and lost all rhythm. Back to playing like I was using a misshapen tree branch instead of a golf club. Oh well, maybe one of these days I'll improve drastically and won't have to keep battling with quitting (because I'll never ACTUALLY quit). Here's hoping.

5 - Centipedes. I just saw a centipede in my apartment, and I may or may not have screamed like an 8 year old child in a haunted house. I'm so glad Sarah isn't around when I do things like this - that'd be embarrassing. (Hi, Sarah.) It ran under my bed. Centipedes are the one thing that really make my skin crawl. What the fuck do they need so many legs for? Why do they need to live in our apartment? Get a job, centipede. Christ. Seriously... if I had that many legs I'd probably Benoit my family (because it'd be my family's fault that I had so many legs), and then myself.

I promise I will do everything I can to never mention Chris Benoit (or at least not his family) in my blog again. I'm sorry. Fucking Canadian.

I want a slice of pizza.

Das Wochenende

Whenever I blog with a specific direction in mind, the posts tend to turn out well. This post does not have a lot of direction, I had intended to post about my weekend (another good'n), but the longer I wait the less likely it is I will actually post about it. I just downloaded a song I wanted to listen to in its entirety before bed, so I figured, why not put something together on the blog in the ~20 minutes I've got. It's just somewhat ironical and rather funny that the chorus of the song I'm listening to is "Why 'you always talk about your life?" Anywho...

Friday I woke up with a cold. I worked. Saturday I felt worse. I worked. Sunday I had free, but I was feeling crappy again.

That did NOT stop me from a) drinking a lot, b) sleeping very little, c) spending too much money, d) having a lot of fun.

First of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY SARAH! My roommate finally turned 21 (though she's been drinking at bars for about 10 years now), and a very large and promisingly eclectic group of people showed up to celebrate. Both Saturday night at Tia's on the waterfront, and Sunday morning for brunch & booze at the Rattlesnake. I'm pretty sure Sarah drank 47 vodka&sodas Saturday night, and sure enough, we ended up at Cafe Pompei at 3 AM, 20 people deep.

Cafe Pompei has great pizza, or so I'm told, as I've never eaten there sober, and I could sprinkle cheese on shoe leather and think it was delicious (while drunk). We were looking rough at this point in the evening, which is probably why they stuck us in the basement, alone (for awhile, and then more trainwrecked strangers were banished to the cellar as well). I didn't know this place had a basement. I think they only use it for special occasions such as this.

The pizza was delicious. I woke up without skin on the roof of my mouth, and all others present suffered from the same condition. Apparently, the pizza was hot. Go figure.

After some coffee, about 8 glasses of water, and a shower, it was off to the Rattlesnake at 11 AM. At 11:35 AM, I was drinking the spiciest bloody mary I've ever had in my life. It was delicious. Instant heartburn. I love heartburn. While everyone else continued pounding drinks into the afternoon, I was forced by responsibility to slow my pace because I had to drive to New Hampshire at 4 for a concert in Hampton.

Kyle informed me that he had a refrigerator full of "Natural" (Ice and Light - a grab bag!) waiting for me (but really he's just being nice because there is always at least 100 beers in that refrigerator. And, Kyle spares no expense when it comes to getting drunk.)

I arrived at 5:30 and the speed drinking commenced as we had to be to the show by 8. We got there at 8:30 (Myself, Kyle, and two of his roommates TJ and Kelley), just in time for the first song. More boozing, a lot of good music (the band we saw was moe. for those of you who care or don't know already), a fair amount of ridiculous dancing, stumbling, etc. The show was a little hazy, but most shows are, and it was GREAT. I needed it, too, because I hadn't seen a show since the beginning of June and I was due. We ate numerous cheeseburgers after the show, and then went back to Kyle's house at UNH, melted an army man in the oven, funneled a couple of beers, and watched Terminator 2. I passed out on the couch about 30 minutes into the movie, beer in hand.

I hope I stop doing things like this when I graduate from college.

Monday morning, I ate the best breakfast sandwich ever (The "JB" from Franz's - the real reason I go to UNH to visit Kyle), drove back to Boston and worked all afternoon and evening. That pretty much brings us up to speed, and really, there's so much more to say about every aspect of my weekend, but I want to go to bed. And my post lost steam about halfway through for that very reason.

Enjoy.

PS This post is not being edited because I'm tired. If you can't handle errors, then I have mean things to say to you (but I will spare the nice folks from reading it).

(37 days 'til Camp.)

Dunkin Donuts

Someone at work recently told me that the option to get flavoring in your Dunkin Donuts Iced Coffee is a good idea, and something I should try. I thought, you know, that must be true, a little bit of sugary delicious flavoring can't be a bad thing, it would only make it better.

True or False: The "flavor shot" makes Dunkin Donuts Iced Coffee better.

Answer: FALSE.

Dunkin Donuts flavoring is perhaps the most vile chemical sweetener I have ever experienced - and believe me, I've consumed a lot of chemically sweetened foods/beverages in my day (mmmmm...)

I got one less spoonful of sugar in the coffee figuring the "French Vanilla" flavoring would make up for it.

It tasted like someone put acetone in my coffee. I'm not kidding.

If you don't know me (which you mostly do), I will consume ALMOST anything, no matter how gross it is, if I paid for it. Because a) I hate wasting food, and b) I hate wasting food that I spent money on. If it seems like a good idea, and tasty enough to pay for, then I will bare with my decision and devour whatever it is that I purchased. Usually very quickly (see: devour). It's like tearing off a bandaid. The only time I refuse to finish something is if it is so foul that it will more than likely make me vomit.

I stopped drinking that iced coffee about 70% of the way through. I just couldn't do it. (Goodbye $0.68; Goodbye pride; Goodbye dignity).

I don't understand how that French Vanilla flavoring was so bad! Is it because we here in America hate French people, and want to give them a bad name by making a flavor called "French Vanilla" and then making it taste like vanilla extract mixed with windex? I think that might be the reason.

So, instead of being angry at Dunkin Donuts, around the time of the 4th of July -the day marking our Great Nation's independence from those limey bastards across the Atlantic - I am proud of DD. Proud of Dunkin Donuts for being a patriotic company, based in America (with approximately zero American employees nationwide..) that really wants to stick it to those other, lesser, countries. I don't even need to try Dutch Mocha, English Toffee, or Japanese Eel flavoring now - I can rest assured knowing those are terrible too.

Because Dunkin Donuts loves America.

And I do, too.

(Until next time.)

P.S. 41 Days 'til Camp

Weekend - Work - "Camp" - etc.

Well, it's certainly been awhile yet again. So, I've got some catching up to do. This very well could end up being long, and you know what? You can kiss my ass. But only after you read the post.

This weekend was a great weekend.

Friday I worked all day, went to the gym, watched 40 Year Old Virgin, went to bed. Solid day.

Saturday, however, was fantastic. I got to sleep in (NICE), I worked (which = money which is NICE), and then I drank beer (NICE), went to a toga party (You get the idea) and got to play "spin the bottle" at 3:30 AM like I was 12 years old again. Nice. This was a great birthday party for my friend Monika. Unfortunately, a few things went wrong, some people were mean, and it could have been better for her, but I think everyone had a pretty great time, all things considered. I drank keg beer out of a bejeweled chalice for the better part of the evening, and I consumed numerous jello shots (and I don't like jello shots). Needless to say, I was poo poo'd.

One of the best parts: my friend Matt just broke up with his girlfriend of 7 years, so he was able to come to a toga party without having to lie and look over his shoulder the whole time. The Summer of Matt begins!

I woke up Sunday with a really bad hangover, and spent the entire day doing laundry and falling in and out of sleep on the couch. That is, of course, after I ate enough brunch to feed a large family at The Pour House. Having days off is great.

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I am looking forward to the next half of the summer that will be spent working at Lacoste 4-5 days a week with several days off to a) sleep, b) golf, c) work out, d) do nothing, e) dream about golfing while sleeping on the couch, f) eat macaroni and cheese and do nothing, g) you get the point. (Which one of the above does not fit with the rest?)

So far so good at Lacoste. The people aren't as fun as Gap, and a few of them are pretty hard to handle, but it's a job and I have a job in order to make money, and I make more of it there than I did at Gap. And I am able to stay pretty busy there thus far. Therefore: Lacoste 1, Gap 0.

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The countdown to Camp Bisco VI begins now! Well, I've been counting down for awhile, considering I bought my ticket back in April, but the OFFICIAL Dan Fishman Countdown to Camp Bisco VI begins now. There are 44 days until the pre-party in Brooklyn. This may be the best long weekend of my entire summer - there's a good chance two of my best friends Kyle and Dan (who accompanied me at Bonnaroo in 2005 and 2006) will also be coming. And, since we didn't make it to Bonnaroo this year, Camp will have to suffice (and I know it'll be fine enough for me).

For those of you who don't know (none of you), The Disco Biscuits are my favorite band, and this is their flagship festival. They're playing all 3 nights this year, and I couldn't be more excited about the antics that will ensue.

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There is no kickball game this week. I will shed a single tear and write this to fill the void in my heart (which is probably already filled with bacon grease). The proud, purple-wearing Fighting Amish will have to wait until next week to make another team our bitch (or win by forfeit and then get to scrimmage, which has been the trend lately). I'm certainly not the MVP, but I am a great pitcher/utility infielder with warning-track power. I'd be even better if I stopped daydreaming all the time.

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I'd just like to take a moment to express my disappointment with the Roberts Supreme Court and some of their recent session-ending opinions - specifically those dealing with womens' rights/civil rights. It seems that the Court is going to continue cranking out 5-4 decisions that ignore the rights of anyone who is not a white male. Though the Supreme Court does not wield a great degree of power, it still can make a difference by drawing the public's attention to issues. Upholding the constitutionality of segregation in schools (because race is not an issue), while not bringing us back to pre-Brown times, still sends a strong message. Any sort of affirmative action/race quota is not supposed to exist, because apparently the only way to eliminate disparity between races is by ignoring that it even exists. It's like covering your ears and saying, "LA LA LA LA LA LA!" when you were eight years old (or any time your parents talk about having sex).

In the case dealing with gender-based pay discrimination, they made it a non-issue by hiding behind the "law" and saying that the statute of limitations (which starts with the first act of discrimination [though the plaintiff didn't know of said discrimination for some time]) had long since expired. LA LA LA LA LA LA LA! Actual footnote from the majority opinion in this case, written by Justice Antonin Scalia, "Plaintiff must bake me a pie and iron my shirt for wasting my time."

So, basically, what the F is going on? It will probably get worse before it gets better. Unless someone gives the justices robes infected with smallpox... More on that later.

Boo-urns.

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I've droned on long enough. I hope that you have a lovely holiday and don't light yourself on fire. Before using fireworks, be sure to take this brief True or False quiz about firework safety. And remember, kids should NEVER play with fireworks.

Until next time (hopefully soon).