Dear Prospective Employers,
Hi. My name is Dan. I need a job. Please, before you stop reading, give me a chance.
Listen, I know my resume sucks. I just graduated, what do you want from me? Seriously.
I know I didn't go to an ivy league school.
However, here is what I can promise you:
I am not an idiot. I have personality. I am a good worker. I also count as a minority hire (red hair - less than 1% of the population). I can eat 6+ double cheeseburgers from McDonald's. I have good hygiene. I am good at Sega Genesis, and also computer solitaire. I can do 20 push-ups. I am incredibly good at dancing like a white man.
I could go on, but I'm sure you're already dialing my phone number.
Give me a goddamn interview. I realize you might want someone who just graduated in '08 that has 5+ years of experience in whatever field you're recruiting. And they also went to a top 20 university. And they're a champion triathlete/squash player/speed reader/hispanic horse racing jockey fluent in 5 languages.
Well, guess what, you're a jackass. That person doesn't exist. Guess what does exist! My ass. Now kiss it.
I realize my resume isn't covered in glitter and dipped in gold. But, if you interview me, you'll realize that not only will I work for less, I'm also more competent than that person with experience. I promise. Well, at least the first part is true.
I hate my job. I want a new one. Help me out. Otherwise, I'm moving to California. Seriously, I'll do it, try me. At least I can be a bum there and not feel pathetic.
Sincerely,
Daniel N. Fishman
Future Homeless Man
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5 comments:
Job searches suck.
When you say you hate your current job...is that lacoste? Or do you have an office job that you hate?
if you spritz your resume in perfume, it really adds that extra touch. I'm just not feeling all that personality you speak of.
Also refer to Sergio's video plea to Google. You might learn something...or be entertained.
The spritz of perfume on the resume only helps if I want to be a male stripper or a gigolo.
I will try to locate Serg's video plea to google, but I don't know where to look.
are those not on your list?
(his youtube channel or his blog)
You can do 20 pushups???
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