3 Cheers for Pizza Hut!

Well, Pizza Hut finally figured it out. Their advertising lately has been focusing much more on the size/quantity of food and less on the quality.

I mean, obviously, PH isn't going to say "This food is really shitty, but we're going to sell you a ton of it and it's going to be dirt cheap!", but they're coming frighteningly close.

Their new pasta commercials, for instance, advertise "OVER 3 LBS!!!!!!" of "restaurant-quality" pasta, for $10.99. Three freaking pounds. But, at least I don't have to worry about ordering something tasty and not getting enough of it. Nothing upsets me more than eating something delicious and still being able to button my pants. Thanks to Pizza Hut, I'll have enough pasta to feed a family, or my fat self, for 2 days. Fantastic.


There's also the pasta commercial in which they "trick" people into thinking they're eating gourmet pasta at an upscale restaurant, when in all actuality it was catered in by Pizza Hut. I hope those people didn't pay friggin $30 a plate for Pizza Hut pasta... I would have taken one bite, spit it out and shouted, "WHY AM I AT A FIVE STAR RESTAURANT THAT SERVES CHEF BOYARDEE?" How can you charge $10.99 for a tub of pasta and claim it tastes like it was made by a five-star chef? Who believes these lies? Did they make these anonymous food tasters dip their tongues in boiling water/sulfuric acid before they served the pasta?

I want to order some restaurant-quality pasta (What does that even mean? A lot of restaurants are awful) and sit by the door with a digital scale. I will then weigh my pasta upon arrival to be sure it meets the requirement of GREATER THAN OR EQUAL TO THREE POUNDS. That is, of course, after I tare the scale to zero using an empty pasta tin from the night before when I consumed ANOTHER THREE POUNDS of Pizza Hut pasta.

Pizza Hut has also been really pushing the P'zone lately. First of all, great name there. I know it's not a new product, but I still love the name. SO CLEVER. Awesome. Anyway, the P'zone is advertised as "over a POUND of cheese and toppings!" Over a pound. Yep. OK, sweet. It's only $5.99, too. So, it might not be the best, but it's over a pound and it's so cheap it's almost free.

Well done, Pizza Hut. Now, why isn't there a location near me so I can capitalize and order 3 lbs. of pasta and a 1+ lb. P'zone, plus a 2-liter of soda, for less than $20 delivered. Seriously, I wouldn't even need to grocery shop - ever. It would be less expensive to eat Pizza Hut 7 days a week.

That's effing gross. Thank you Pizza Hut for playing a role in condemning this generation of poor people to a lifelong struggle with obesity.