3 Cheers for Pizza Hut!

Well, Pizza Hut finally figured it out. Their advertising lately has been focusing much more on the size/quantity of food and less on the quality.

I mean, obviously, PH isn't going to say "This food is really shitty, but we're going to sell you a ton of it and it's going to be dirt cheap!", but they're coming frighteningly close.

Their new pasta commercials, for instance, advertise "OVER 3 LBS!!!!!!" of "restaurant-quality" pasta, for $10.99. Three freaking pounds. But, at least I don't have to worry about ordering something tasty and not getting enough of it. Nothing upsets me more than eating something delicious and still being able to button my pants. Thanks to Pizza Hut, I'll have enough pasta to feed a family, or my fat self, for 2 days. Fantastic.


There's also the pasta commercial in which they "trick" people into thinking they're eating gourmet pasta at an upscale restaurant, when in all actuality it was catered in by Pizza Hut. I hope those people didn't pay friggin $30 a plate for Pizza Hut pasta... I would have taken one bite, spit it out and shouted, "WHY AM I AT A FIVE STAR RESTAURANT THAT SERVES CHEF BOYARDEE?" How can you charge $10.99 for a tub of pasta and claim it tastes like it was made by a five-star chef? Who believes these lies? Did they make these anonymous food tasters dip their tongues in boiling water/sulfuric acid before they served the pasta?

I want to order some restaurant-quality pasta (What does that even mean? A lot of restaurants are awful) and sit by the door with a digital scale. I will then weigh my pasta upon arrival to be sure it meets the requirement of GREATER THAN OR EQUAL TO THREE POUNDS. That is, of course, after I tare the scale to zero using an empty pasta tin from the night before when I consumed ANOTHER THREE POUNDS of Pizza Hut pasta.

Pizza Hut has also been really pushing the P'zone lately. First of all, great name there. I know it's not a new product, but I still love the name. SO CLEVER. Awesome. Anyway, the P'zone is advertised as "over a POUND of cheese and toppings!" Over a pound. Yep. OK, sweet. It's only $5.99, too. So, it might not be the best, but it's over a pound and it's so cheap it's almost free.

Well done, Pizza Hut. Now, why isn't there a location near me so I can capitalize and order 3 lbs. of pasta and a 1+ lb. P'zone, plus a 2-liter of soda, for less than $20 delivered. Seriously, I wouldn't even need to grocery shop - ever. It would be less expensive to eat Pizza Hut 7 days a week.

That's effing gross. Thank you Pizza Hut for playing a role in condemning this generation of poor people to a lifelong struggle with obesity.

Get your shit together, UPN

Alright, UPN, listen. Having to sit through Fraser and Cheers to get to South Park every night is unbelievable. This is a fascist act and it is entirely reprehensible.

Someone who works for UPN thought Fraser and Cheers were good TV programs. This person could not be more incorrect. Just because thousands of lonely old people like to watch Fraser and Cheers for no reason other than they are lonely every night DOES NOT make the daily airing acceptable.

I must admit, I have sat through an episode or two of Fraser. But, it's goddamn terrible every time. However, I have NEVER been able to sit through an entire episode of Cheers. Nothing could be less entertaining to me. Why don't I get it? I'd rather read a book about a paper bag factory than watch Cheers. I'm serious. I'd rather organize someone's stamp collection than watch Cheers. You get it.

The fact that I have to wait for these two shows to broadcast before I can watch South Park makes my blood boil. Every night I lose an hour because of you.

Stop it.

I would rather watch Bananas in Pajamas for an hour than Fraser and Cheers. Put that on. For the love of God, just play reruns of Golden Girls, I'd even rather watch that. Anything!

I give up. You've sucked the life out of me. Seriously, you people suck.

Love,

Dan

Hire me, please.

Dear Prospective Employers,

Hi. My name is Dan. I need a job. Please, before you stop reading, give me a chance.

Listen, I know my resume sucks. I just graduated, what do you want from me? Seriously.

I know I didn't go to an ivy league school.

However, here is what I can promise you:

I am not an idiot. I have personality. I am a good worker. I also count as a minority hire (red hair - less than 1% of the population). I can eat 6+ double cheeseburgers from McDonald's. I have good hygiene. I am good at Sega Genesis, and also computer solitaire. I can do 20 push-ups. I am incredibly good at dancing like a white man.

I could go on, but I'm sure you're already dialing my phone number.

Give me a goddamn interview. I realize you might want someone who just graduated in '08 that has 5+ years of experience in whatever field you're recruiting. And they also went to a top 20 university. And they're a champion triathlete/squash player/speed reader/hispanic horse racing jockey fluent in 5 languages.

Well, guess what, you're a jackass. That person doesn't exist. Guess what does exist! My ass. Now kiss it.

I realize my resume isn't covered in glitter and dipped in gold. But, if you interview me, you'll realize that not only will I work for less, I'm also more competent than that person with experience. I promise. Well, at least the first part is true.

I hate my job. I want a new one. Help me out. Otherwise, I'm moving to California. Seriously, I'll do it, try me. At least I can be a bum there and not feel pathetic.


Sincerely,

Daniel N. Fishman
Future Homeless Man

Insensitivity Sells?

Why is insensitive humor so goddamn funny? I mean, seriously, I don't consider myself that terrible of a person (I know many who are worse). Yet I frequently and repeatedly find myself laughing at the most coldhearted humor. Does this mean I'm (sub)consciously an asshole? Or am I finding humor only in the outlandishness of insensitivity?

For instance:

- The funniest TV characters are always the rude/callous ones: Homer Simpson, Eric Cartman, Master Shake, Dwight Schrute, Eric Cartman, Peter Griffin, Eric Cartman, and Eric Cartman.

- I find (some/many) jokes about suicide and disease to be humorous. Oops?

- I find (some) jokes about terrorism/terrorists (a little/very) funny.
(I may or may not have seen a fake terrorist video filmed on the 4th of July).

- Chris Benoit.

- It's funny to me when people fall.

- Sometimes it's still funny even if they get hurt.

- Sometimes it's more funny..** ##

- Jan Palach.

- Et al.


What I don't understand is, most of my friends have a similar sense of humor. I wouldn't be friends with that many insensitive people, would I? Well, only if I myself were insensitive.

Oh.

All of these popular characters, though, these characters wouldn't be funny to the majority of people unless... Insensitivity wouldn't sell unless... Unless the majority of people were insensitive.

Oh.

I think I answered my own question. Sorry if I've offended anyone (If I did... kill yourself). Just kidding. Have a nice day!






** On a side note. I was searching for appropriately funny videos on youtube - and apparently I'm not as bad as I thought. Some of them are pretty terrible. Though I found this one to be a little intense, because old people (see: "The Elderly") are usually a touchy subject, the hilarity of the fall more than made up for it.

## Also, I was surprised by the popularity of people falling down escalators on youtube. Apparently that's a popular thing these days. Who knows anymore with these kids.

Shake off the Dust

I went to Costco the other day. The day after I got back from Las Vegas. I went in foggy-headed, a little disoriented. Time to get a few essentials, to be supplemented with fresh goods and non-bulk items from the local grocer.

Almost 2 hours later, I loaded into the car and looked at the receipt. I must have blacked out inside; I had purchased a boat, an eight-pack of baby basinets, a new set of tires for my car AND bicycle, and a 30-gallon drum of seasoning salt. I had to take out a bridge loan and a second and third mortgage in order to afford what I bought, and really, I thought I was just shopping light.

I love Costco.

Even in an economic downturn, we balance our needs and wants very differently here in America. I don't need 28 lbs. of chicken nuggets - but I damn sure wanted them. I don't need 80 packs of chewing gum - but you know what, maybe I want 80 packs of gum. Considering I chew 1-2 pieces per day, and there are 20 pieces in a pack, I've got enough gum to last me about 3 years - which, coincidentally, is when I've scheduled my next Costco visit.

The worst part, however, is that after leaving Costco, I still need to go grocery shopping. Go figure.

If you tackle it responsibly, Costco is like the promise land. If you go in and get blindsided like me, you might never be the same.

Remember kids, bulk food shop responsibly.

Back from the Dead

I don't know if this will start a trend of posting again - To be honest, I highly doubt it. I don't even think anyone will read this for weeks, months, years? But, something I saw today inspired me to at least TRY to share it with others.

I am speechless.

Greetings!

Hello! My name is Dan, and this is my blog.

"You must be new to this! You haven't posted in a month," You say.

Two things: 1) This is true; 2) I haven't been in the mood to post, 3) Fuck you; get off my back - QUEEN OF THE HARPIES!

"You said two things, that was three," You say.

Please, refer back to number 3. It's been a rough month.

"Why? What's so rough? You're a weak, weak man, Daniel," You say.

Don't call me Daniel. Are you my mother? Girlfriend? Alright. Take it easy then.

My month was spent doing the following: 1) Being sick, 2) feeling sick, 3) dealing with final exams, final papers, and final projects, 4) drinking/socializing (on occasion), 5) Working 20-30 hours per week.

You'd think with only 3 classes this semester that it would have been more manageable down the stretch. Well, I've learned there is a God, because s/he really fucked me over to make it even harder this time with a lighter course load. Another thing that made it so difficult - I hated all of my classes (This seems to be a pattern as I get closer to graduation).

About 3 weeks ago, I got tonsilitis. I missed 3 days of class, a day of work, and I was in bed for 3-4 days - something that hasn't happened to me since Junior High. I haven't seen a doctor, taken any prescription medication (that was prescribed for me) in college. I started getting better from the antibiotics I was on, and immediately thought I was healthy again and started drinking and going out and partying, etc. I'd say of the 10 days I was on antibiotics, I binge drank on, conservatively, 3-4 of those nights.

So I finished my antibiotics. I was healthy! Life was good. After about a week of feeling pretty good (but still not 100% for some reason), I thought I was coming down with a cold. Wow, lucky me, I keep getting sick - I've spread myself too thin and I'm not getting enough rest... Plus, I'm overdue for illnesses having had a pretty solid immune system until now.

Well, it wasn't a cold. It was a relapse of tonsilitis. More antibiotics, a throat culture, and I was back in bed - missing work (though, thankfully not class, because class had just ended) and staring a paper and two exams in the face without the energy to get out of bed, let alone focus, research, write, study. Well, the throat culture was negative, so either it was a bacterial infection, or... (drum roll please)... Mono. Yay! Mono BEFORE finals!

Somehow, I got through all of this, I wrote my paper (it was garbage), I took my exams (didn't do particularly well on either - the first was the hardest exam I've ever taken and the second, well, I just didn't give a damn). I never could have done it without the glory that is the overdiagnosis of Attention Deficit Disorder and the over-prescription of stimulants to "treat" it. I love this society.

But you know what? Life is good. And you know why? Because it's all over - and the only things standing between me and my bed in Michigan is a week and a half of work, a bit of rest & relaxation, and an 11-hour drive across Massachusetts, Northern New York, and a section of Ontario (that's in Canada, folks). I am going to enjoy this.

Next on the agenda: find a job for next fall. Boston? DC? San Francisco? Anything out there for me? Hopefully I can score something sweet because of Ginger Affirmative Action. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Everyone have a wonderful winter vacation (if you get one), and a great New Year. Who knows if I'll be inspired to check back in before then - something tells me I'll have a bit of extra time on my hands these next few weeks.