Goodbye, Sir.

The Sir and I were acquainted through a mutual friend, Dan Sieger. Dan raised The Sir, used him to draw pictures and highlight things on his calendar like a proud father and best friend. One day, The Sir lost his cap, and Dan started to realize his true potential. The Sir fought on, sans cap, for the better part of a year - unprecedented strength coming from any ordinary Bic highlighter. Not The Sir, though; The Sir was special. The Sir had such tremendous zeal for living. He taught us all so much.

When The Sir's cap went missing, time started passing more urgently as his felt tip was exposed to the elements. The Sir began experiencing everything he could in the world, realizing that our time here is limited. The Sir gained a renewed enthusiasm for fine dining, at such establishments as R.F. O'Sirlivans. He became a professional wrestler, under the alias of Hulk Sirgan. He visited the Grand Canyon; He went on Oprah; He became a daredevil. He even had a bunch of "Live Sir" wristbands made and sold throughout the country to spread the word about Sir living. The Sir decided that there was no time to be wasted, and that life is meant for experiencing, not waiting.

The Sir had never felt more mortal, that is, until He was diagnosed with cancer. Shortly after moving to California to live with me, The Sir's biopsy revealed a malignant tumor in His felt tip. He took the diagnosis about as well as anyone could, but His health began to decline precipitously. He refused pain medication. He refused to have a hospital bed or a traveling nurse to take care of Him. He hung on as long as he could stand it.

You know, in the short time that The Sir and I knew each other, I was certain that he would live forever. Yesterday, December 4, 2009, The Sir and I took our usual walk down the boardwalk - The Sir in a wheelchair, and me walking behind Him. I wheeled Him out to the end of Crystal Pier so he could watch the sun set over the crashing waves of the Pacific Ocean. A middle-aged man called me from about 20 yards behind. I walked back to see what he wanted; he just wanted to tell me that a piece of rope was dragging from underneath the wheelchair. I thanked him, and when I turned back towards The Sir, it was too late. With the last of his strength, The Sir used the rope to tie a cinder block to himself and plunge into the ocean. I fell to my knees and wept, but there was nothing I could do. This was how The Sir wanted it.

The Sir saw the light at the end of the tunnel, and knew that it just wasn't worth suffering.

We all have so much to learn from The Sir. About living, about loving, about family, about integrity, about heart, about raging like a champion. When life gives you lemons, think of that little yellow highlighter, fighting on with no cap, living the shit out of his life, parasailing in Australia, mountain climbing in Asia and South America, kayaking in Canada, blowing hombres with Marc Brownstein before giving him bass lessons.

The Sir and I were great friends. No, we were more than friends, we were brothers. I like to think that a little bit of day-glo yellow runs through my veins after all of the time The Sir and I spent together (and the needles we shared).

Truly a Sir among Sirs. Sir, we will miss you.

A memorial service will be held in the comments of this post, pretty much whenever you want.

Sir.

The photos below are meant to be viewed in slo-mo, slideshow format, to the tune of "Don't Cry for me, Sirgentina". Or "Sir in the Wind". Your choice.

3 Cheers for Pizza Hut!

Well, Pizza Hut finally figured it out. Their advertising lately has been focusing much more on the size/quantity of food and less on the quality.

I mean, obviously, PH isn't going to say "This food is really shitty, but we're going to sell you a ton of it and it's going to be dirt cheap!", but they're coming frighteningly close.

Their new pasta commercials, for instance, advertise "OVER 3 LBS!!!!!!" of "restaurant-quality" pasta, for $10.99. Three freaking pounds. But, at least I don't have to worry about ordering something tasty and not getting enough of it. Nothing upsets me more than eating something delicious and still being able to button my pants. Thanks to Pizza Hut, I'll have enough pasta to feed a family, or my fat self, for 2 days. Fantastic.


There's also the pasta commercial in which they "trick" people into thinking they're eating gourmet pasta at an upscale restaurant, when in all actuality it was catered in by Pizza Hut. I hope those people didn't pay friggin $30 a plate for Pizza Hut pasta... I would have taken one bite, spit it out and shouted, "WHY AM I AT A FIVE STAR RESTAURANT THAT SERVES CHEF BOYARDEE?" How can you charge $10.99 for a tub of pasta and claim it tastes like it was made by a five-star chef? Who believes these lies? Did they make these anonymous food tasters dip their tongues in boiling water/sulfuric acid before they served the pasta?

I want to order some restaurant-quality pasta (What does that even mean? A lot of restaurants are awful) and sit by the door with a digital scale. I will then weigh my pasta upon arrival to be sure it meets the requirement of GREATER THAN OR EQUAL TO THREE POUNDS. That is, of course, after I tare the scale to zero using an empty pasta tin from the night before when I consumed ANOTHER THREE POUNDS of Pizza Hut pasta.

Pizza Hut has also been really pushing the P'zone lately. First of all, great name there. I know it's not a new product, but I still love the name. SO CLEVER. Awesome. Anyway, the P'zone is advertised as "over a POUND of cheese and toppings!" Over a pound. Yep. OK, sweet. It's only $5.99, too. So, it might not be the best, but it's over a pound and it's so cheap it's almost free.

Well done, Pizza Hut. Now, why isn't there a location near me so I can capitalize and order 3 lbs. of pasta and a 1+ lb. P'zone, plus a 2-liter of soda, for less than $20 delivered. Seriously, I wouldn't even need to grocery shop - ever. It would be less expensive to eat Pizza Hut 7 days a week.

That's effing gross. Thank you Pizza Hut for playing a role in condemning this generation of poor people to a lifelong struggle with obesity.

Get your shit together, UPN

Alright, UPN, listen. Having to sit through Fraser and Cheers to get to South Park every night is unbelievable. This is a fascist act and it is entirely reprehensible.

Someone who works for UPN thought Fraser and Cheers were good TV programs. This person could not be more incorrect. Just because thousands of lonely old people like to watch Fraser and Cheers for no reason other than they are lonely every night DOES NOT make the daily airing acceptable.

I must admit, I have sat through an episode or two of Fraser. But, it's goddamn terrible every time. However, I have NEVER been able to sit through an entire episode of Cheers. Nothing could be less entertaining to me. Why don't I get it? I'd rather read a book about a paper bag factory than watch Cheers. I'm serious. I'd rather organize someone's stamp collection than watch Cheers. You get it.

The fact that I have to wait for these two shows to broadcast before I can watch South Park makes my blood boil. Every night I lose an hour because of you.

Stop it.

I would rather watch Bananas in Pajamas for an hour than Fraser and Cheers. Put that on. For the love of God, just play reruns of Golden Girls, I'd even rather watch that. Anything!

I give up. You've sucked the life out of me. Seriously, you people suck.

Love,

Dan

Hire me, please.

Dear Prospective Employers,

Hi. My name is Dan. I need a job. Please, before you stop reading, give me a chance.

Listen, I know my resume sucks. I just graduated, what do you want from me? Seriously.

I know I didn't go to an ivy league school.

However, here is what I can promise you:

I am not an idiot. I have personality. I am a good worker. I also count as a minority hire (red hair - less than 1% of the population). I can eat 6+ double cheeseburgers from McDonald's. I have good hygiene. I am good at Sega Genesis, and also computer solitaire. I can do 20 push-ups. I am incredibly good at dancing like a white man.

I could go on, but I'm sure you're already dialing my phone number.

Give me a goddamn interview. I realize you might want someone who just graduated in '08 that has 5+ years of experience in whatever field you're recruiting. And they also went to a top 20 university. And they're a champion triathlete/squash player/speed reader/hispanic horse racing jockey fluent in 5 languages.

Well, guess what, you're a jackass. That person doesn't exist. Guess what does exist! My ass. Now kiss it.

I realize my resume isn't covered in glitter and dipped in gold. But, if you interview me, you'll realize that not only will I work for less, I'm also more competent than that person with experience. I promise. Well, at least the first part is true.

I hate my job. I want a new one. Help me out. Otherwise, I'm moving to California. Seriously, I'll do it, try me. At least I can be a bum there and not feel pathetic.


Sincerely,

Daniel N. Fishman
Future Homeless Man

Insensitivity Sells?

Why is insensitive humor so goddamn funny? I mean, seriously, I don't consider myself that terrible of a person (I know many who are worse). Yet I frequently and repeatedly find myself laughing at the most coldhearted humor. Does this mean I'm (sub)consciously an asshole? Or am I finding humor only in the outlandishness of insensitivity?

For instance:

- The funniest TV characters are always the rude/callous ones: Homer Simpson, Eric Cartman, Master Shake, Dwight Schrute, Eric Cartman, Peter Griffin, Eric Cartman, and Eric Cartman.

- I find (some/many) jokes about suicide and disease to be humorous. Oops?

- I find (some) jokes about terrorism/terrorists (a little/very) funny.
(I may or may not have seen a fake terrorist video filmed on the 4th of July).

- Chris Benoit.

- It's funny to me when people fall.

- Sometimes it's still funny even if they get hurt.

- Sometimes it's more funny..** ##

- Jan Palach.

- Et al.


What I don't understand is, most of my friends have a similar sense of humor. I wouldn't be friends with that many insensitive people, would I? Well, only if I myself were insensitive.

Oh.

All of these popular characters, though, these characters wouldn't be funny to the majority of people unless... Insensitivity wouldn't sell unless... Unless the majority of people were insensitive.

Oh.

I think I answered my own question. Sorry if I've offended anyone (If I did... kill yourself). Just kidding. Have a nice day!






** On a side note. I was searching for appropriately funny videos on youtube - and apparently I'm not as bad as I thought. Some of them are pretty terrible. Though I found this one to be a little intense, because old people (see: "The Elderly") are usually a touchy subject, the hilarity of the fall more than made up for it.

## Also, I was surprised by the popularity of people falling down escalators on youtube. Apparently that's a popular thing these days. Who knows anymore with these kids.

Shake off the Dust

I went to Costco the other day. The day after I got back from Las Vegas. I went in foggy-headed, a little disoriented. Time to get a few essentials, to be supplemented with fresh goods and non-bulk items from the local grocer.

Almost 2 hours later, I loaded into the car and looked at the receipt. I must have blacked out inside; I had purchased a boat, an eight-pack of baby basinets, a new set of tires for my car AND bicycle, and a 30-gallon drum of seasoning salt. I had to take out a bridge loan and a second and third mortgage in order to afford what I bought, and really, I thought I was just shopping light.

I love Costco.

Even in an economic downturn, we balance our needs and wants very differently here in America. I don't need 28 lbs. of chicken nuggets - but I damn sure wanted them. I don't need 80 packs of chewing gum - but you know what, maybe I want 80 packs of gum. Considering I chew 1-2 pieces per day, and there are 20 pieces in a pack, I've got enough gum to last me about 3 years - which, coincidentally, is when I've scheduled my next Costco visit.

The worst part, however, is that after leaving Costco, I still need to go grocery shopping. Go figure.

If you tackle it responsibly, Costco is like the promise land. If you go in and get blindsided like me, you might never be the same.

Remember kids, bulk food shop responsibly.

Back from the Dead

I don't know if this will start a trend of posting again - To be honest, I highly doubt it. I don't even think anyone will read this for weeks, months, years? But, something I saw today inspired me to at least TRY to share it with others.

I am speechless.

Greetings!

Hello! My name is Dan, and this is my blog.

"You must be new to this! You haven't posted in a month," You say.

Two things: 1) This is true; 2) I haven't been in the mood to post, 3) Fuck you; get off my back - QUEEN OF THE HARPIES!

"You said two things, that was three," You say.

Please, refer back to number 3. It's been a rough month.

"Why? What's so rough? You're a weak, weak man, Daniel," You say.

Don't call me Daniel. Are you my mother? Girlfriend? Alright. Take it easy then.

My month was spent doing the following: 1) Being sick, 2) feeling sick, 3) dealing with final exams, final papers, and final projects, 4) drinking/socializing (on occasion), 5) Working 20-30 hours per week.

You'd think with only 3 classes this semester that it would have been more manageable down the stretch. Well, I've learned there is a God, because s/he really fucked me over to make it even harder this time with a lighter course load. Another thing that made it so difficult - I hated all of my classes (This seems to be a pattern as I get closer to graduation).

About 3 weeks ago, I got tonsilitis. I missed 3 days of class, a day of work, and I was in bed for 3-4 days - something that hasn't happened to me since Junior High. I haven't seen a doctor, taken any prescription medication (that was prescribed for me) in college. I started getting better from the antibiotics I was on, and immediately thought I was healthy again and started drinking and going out and partying, etc. I'd say of the 10 days I was on antibiotics, I binge drank on, conservatively, 3-4 of those nights.

So I finished my antibiotics. I was healthy! Life was good. After about a week of feeling pretty good (but still not 100% for some reason), I thought I was coming down with a cold. Wow, lucky me, I keep getting sick - I've spread myself too thin and I'm not getting enough rest... Plus, I'm overdue for illnesses having had a pretty solid immune system until now.

Well, it wasn't a cold. It was a relapse of tonsilitis. More antibiotics, a throat culture, and I was back in bed - missing work (though, thankfully not class, because class had just ended) and staring a paper and two exams in the face without the energy to get out of bed, let alone focus, research, write, study. Well, the throat culture was negative, so either it was a bacterial infection, or... (drum roll please)... Mono. Yay! Mono BEFORE finals!

Somehow, I got through all of this, I wrote my paper (it was garbage), I took my exams (didn't do particularly well on either - the first was the hardest exam I've ever taken and the second, well, I just didn't give a damn). I never could have done it without the glory that is the overdiagnosis of Attention Deficit Disorder and the over-prescription of stimulants to "treat" it. I love this society.

But you know what? Life is good. And you know why? Because it's all over - and the only things standing between me and my bed in Michigan is a week and a half of work, a bit of rest & relaxation, and an 11-hour drive across Massachusetts, Northern New York, and a section of Ontario (that's in Canada, folks). I am going to enjoy this.

Next on the agenda: find a job for next fall. Boston? DC? San Francisco? Anything out there for me? Hopefully I can score something sweet because of Ginger Affirmative Action. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Everyone have a wonderful winter vacation (if you get one), and a great New Year. Who knows if I'll be inspired to check back in before then - something tells me I'll have a bit of extra time on my hands these next few weeks.

TV Strike

I didn't post yesterday. Oh well, game over.

Can we talk about the TV writers' strike, though? There are maybe 4 or 5 TV shows that I like to watch during the year. Two of them are Lost and The Office. Both shows are affected by the recent hollywood writers' strike. After the few already taped episodes of the office air, they will show reruns until the strike ends. The premiere of Lost, originally set for January of 2008, will be pushed back indefinitely.

Guess what!

THERE'S PLENTY OF FUCKING MONEY TO GO AROUND YOU GREEDY CORPORATE COCKSUCKERS!

The problem is, nobody will stop watching TV as a result of the strike. People will watch the shitty last-minute reality shows and re-runs they show, and clap their hands with delight while they bask in the glowing warmth of TV's warming glow. Media companies can sit back with their hands folded neatly in their laps and just wait - because they're not going to lose much money as a result. If they were, the strike would end quickly and we would hear nothing about it.

Give the writers their fair share. Seriously. TV shows don't exist without writers, and they get paid beans for shows you make millions of dollars per episode on. The last agreement you made was in 1988; it's not farfetched to say that things in the media world have changed a bit in the last 19 years. So, strike an agreement about new media that is fair. You will still make plenty of money after you give the writers just a small portion of what they deserve. Shaving just a couple of percentage points off isn't going to destroy your quarterly earnings, and won't prevent your executives from taking home far more money than they've ever earned with every single paycheck.

Absolutely disgusting. Leave your TVs off, don't let these assholes win like they always do.

Day 5

It's day 5 of 30. I am 1/6th of the way there, 16.67% complete. And guess what, folks? This is difficult.

As a matter of fact, I am struggling to come up with things to write about. Go figure! Just like the newspaper sucks on certain days, my blog will certainly suck when nothing is going on in my world.

This is where you come in. All 2+ of my readers. I need assistance coming up with things to write about. I'll write about (almost) anything just to get through these difficult times.

This post, a cry for help, was not even my own idea. Every time the idea well runs dry, I did what I always do: I thought, What Would Matt Skolnick Do? I asked Matt, and he recommended this post, which, in turn, has given me a business idea:

Bracelets with WWMSD printed on them. That way, whenever you're faced with a hard decision, you just look down at your wrist and think: What Would Matt Skolnick Do?

Example:
My friend's birthday is coming up, what do I get her/him?

Answer:
WWMSD?
Ice Cream Cake.

Example:
I'm hungry, but I'm not sure what to eat.

Answer:
WWMSD?
Go to The Wrap, and get a buffalo chicken wrap.

It's easy, it's helpful, it's original, it's marketable. I've got an associate of mine writing up the business plan right now.


Anyway - aside from that, help me think of things to write about, or I'll keep writing about random ridiculous stuff.

Or, heaven forbid, I'll have to start reading the news and commenting on intelligent/newsworthy material. And we don't want that to happen. God, no.

With that, I leave you with this Story about Jon Kitna finding Jesus.

Good day.

Detroit Lions

Ladies and Gentlemen, today's post is dedicated to the Detroit Lions, whose 44-7 victory over the Denver Broncos put them at 6-2, in 2nd place in the NFC Central behind the Green Bay Packers.

6-2. Sweet Baby Jesus.

I know this season probably won't or can't amount to anything, but John Kitna was a laughing stock when he said this team was capable of putting up 10 wins this year. Now, it's VERY early to predict a 4-4 finish (at worst) for a 10-6 record, but the fact that it's even within reach after 8 games in is amazing. Amazing. Let me tell you why.

I have been a Detroit Lions fan my entire life. The last time the Lions won a playoff game was in 1991. They then lost in the NFC championship to the Washington Redskins, 41-10. I was 6 years old, and I don't remember this. In 1993, 1994, and 1995, the Lions made the playoffs, losing each time in the first round, twice to the packers, and once in a crushing defeat to the Eagles. I have vivid memories of the loss to the Eagles, 58-37.

At that point, the prolific offense held by the Lions for years began to deteriorate into the team that I have followed and cheered for for the entirety of my teenage and adult years thus far. They made the playoffs again in 1997 and 1999, losing both times in the first round, again. After the 1999 season, Barry Sanders retired at age 30, tired of playing for a losing organization. All of the fans, including myself, were shocked - yet we continued to support the Lions. In 2000, despite losing Sanders and our head coach, we somehow managed to put together a 9-7 record (though we didn't make the playoffs).

That was the last time I saw the Lions with a winning record, or anything even close to a winning record.

2001 - 2-14, Going 0-12 to start the season.
2002 - 3-13
2003 - 5-11
2004 - 6-10
2005 - 5-11
2006 - 3-13

After countless top draft picks, poor front office moves, and little to no noticable desire from ownership to put a winning product on the field (or on the roads, as Ford Motor Company continues to go downhill), seats in our brand new stadium remain full of fans who are waiting for what they honestly believe might never happen.

Waiting for a winning team. Sellout after sellout, watching blowout after blowout, hoping that sometime, maybe by accident, the Lions would start winning.

It is 2007, my friends, and the Lions are 6-2 after 8 games. I'm not talking about playoffs, I'm not talking about the superbowl (god no - they've won 1 playoff game since the superbowl was created over 40 years ago). I'm talking about the fact that we are 2 wins away from a .500 season, 3 wins away from a WINNING season.

Steps have been made in the right direction. We're far from a great team, we're probably not even a good team, but we're FINALLY moving in the right direction. The key will be avoiding a complete collapse next season. CONSISTENT improvement is the key. Because, if anything, the Lions are certainly consistent.

If the Lions somehow make the playoffs this year, and make it to the superbowl and defeat the New England Patriots in a close game, I will never watch football again. Never. And with that, I leave you with the Lions fight song:

Forward down the field,
A charging team that will not yield,
And when the BLUE and SILVER wave,
Stand and cheer the brave:
RAH! RAH! RAH!
Go hard win the game!
With honor you will keep your fame!
Down the field and gain,
A Lions victory!

GOOOOOOOOOOOO LIONS!!!!!!!

(Roar)

Favorite Holiday; Movies

Tonight is my favorite holiday: Daylight Savings Time. It's not really a holiday; actually, it's not a holiday at all. But, to me, and every other lazy human being in parts of America that observe daylight savings, it is a holiday. That extra hour of sleep is always so sweet and so beautiful, it's like a stick of butter wrapped in bacon... or, like your favorite dessert, whatever that may be (mine is butter and bacon). Not only that, but tomorrow, I have to be at work at 10 AM. Yet, thanks to daylight savings time allowing us to return to standard time in the middle of the night tonight, I don't have to be at work until today's equivalent of 11 AM. So, thank the farming community for falling back - the only good part about the onset of winter. If you see a farmer today, thank him/her (don't know how to spot a farmer? look for someone wearing overalls, wearing a straw hat, and chewing on a piece of long grass - those are dead giveaways).

I saw American Gangster and Gone Baby Gone today in the Loews Cineplex 2-for-the-price-of-1 special. They wouldn't take my free movie pass because American Gangster was too new, so I made sure to pay for one movie and see 2. Because fuck them, that's why. American Gangster was alright - entertaining, I guess, and a bit over the top. Denzel Washington played the same damn character he plays in every single movie; the same character that won him an oscar for Training Day. It's a good character, I guess, but come on - seriously, it's the same goddamn role in every movie. Gone Baby Gone was good, but it was pretty depressing. The plot was a bit convoluted in its attempt to be edgy and shocking, but I'd say it was better than American Gangster. Another factor was length - AG was almost 3 hours, GBG was a more normal 2 hours. But, as I said, GBG was pretty heavy, and because of the questions of morality the film posed, I was forced to drink a beer and eat chicken fingers afterwards. Forced. Delicious chicken fingers though (thank you, Clery's).

That being said, I'm going to go enjoy my extra hour of sleep before working tomorrow. I suppose I'm still going strong on posting "every day". Good luck tomorrow to the Detroit Lions, who are taking on The Denver Broncos while I am at work. If they win, you'd better believe Monika will hear about it.

Happy Sunday, ya'll.

SHIT I FORGOT

Damnit I forgot to post today, so it's technically tomorrow. I have nothing to say, this is why promising to post every day for a month is ridiculous. Because now I'm posting about absolutely nothing. If I don't have something substantial to post about next time, I'm giving up on this stupid once-a-day-for-a-month thing. Seriously.

Congratulations to the Detroit Pistons on their first win of the season. And, I'm really upset about Zumaya having shoulder surgery and being on the DL until mid-season. But we'll talk about that later when I'm not weeping like a small child.

Halloween, Etc.

As Monika so aptly pointed out in the comments, I have not posted in almost a month. I suppose if I go a month without posting, I have all but given up on my blog entirely. As good as it sounds to just sweep it under the rug and get rid of it, I can't do that. I must continue. So, as Monika and Julie are doing, I will try to post every day this month. They're ACTUALLY doing it, but I'm just going to say I will try. We'll see how far I get - I'm not formally joining whatever group they joined that does it for the month of November, but I will try. At least I'll try to try.

Last night was amazing. I went with a great group of some of my best friends and favorite people in the world to see my favorite band in the world play a show that was best described as special. In over 10 years and hundreds of shows, The Disco Biscuits have only played their rock opera, "The Hot Air Balloon" in its entirety 8 times. Last night was one of those 8. So not only was I in a great place with great people in the city in which I live, but I saw a show that was really, really special.

Today I am exhausted, sore, and beat up from so much dancing, walking, running, standing, sitting, and generally just being awake. But, I feel pleasant and at ease. It's great. What an awesome halloween.

That being said, I am starting a detox for a little while here. I'm going to avoid alcohol, coffee (and other stimulants), and pot at all costs for hopefully about 2 weeks. We'll see how it goes. I will return to partying when I feel it is time.

That's all for today. I got cleared for graduation yesterday, so, barring any unforseen setbacks, I will be graduating in May. Excellent. Next stop: Washington, D.C. Time to find a job.

Wish me luck in my quest to post every day in November. I need to get in the habit and give people a reason to come here and read.

BOYCOTT SONY CORPORATION!!!!!

I know I said I'd be busy and not posting, but I got a response to my letter to Sony in the mail today.

Dear Mr. Fishman,

Blah blah blah, we're sorry, call this number and reference this code so we can speak about your letter on the telephone.

Sincerely,

National Customer Service Douchebag

Of course I called, just because I was curious what they would say. I shouldn't have been curious at all, because, well, it's a giant electronics corporation, and I'm one ex-customer who purchased a $50 pair of headphones.

I spoke to Debbie Kutz, who apologized profusely. I trashed their company, the store I shopped in, the management at the store, the sales associates, etc. She said, "I'm very sorry." This is what she offered as a solution:

I could mail my headphones along with the original sales receipt to some location in Austin, TX (or something like that), and they would send me a replacement pair. Debbie made it clear that the replacements would not necessarily be new - they would probably be "refurbished." But they would function, nonetheless.

Refurbished. Are you fucking kidding me?

I told her that this was useless and it wasn't even worth paying to ship them to Texas since I had already purchased a fine pair of headphones from another company. I threw away the original receipt anyway after the asshole at Sony Style told me there was nothing he could do for me. After I wrote the original letter, I threw the box and receipt away, and kept the headphones so I could use the cord to strangle the manager from Sony Style if I ever ran into him in public.

"Oh, you don't want to pay for the shipping?", says Debbie, "Well, we'll send you a pre-paid envelope. Just find your original receipt and call me back if that's what you'd like us to do, and we'll mail you a pre-paid envelope right away."

Awesome. Fucking awesome. I hate you so much, Debbie. I'm sure you're a great person, but because you're the messenger, not only am I going to shoot you, but I'm going to urinate on your carcass. I hope your customer service headset is loaded with asbestos so you die a slow, horrible death several years down the road. I hope your children fight over the settlement from your long and painful lawsuit, and during a meeting with the Sony executives and defense council, the Sony video monitor in the conference room catches on fire and everyone dies in a hellacious inferno. I hope that happens; I really do.

But it won't. Because the corporations always win. Always. It makes sense. When there are millions of pigeons just waiting to throw money at anything with the Sony name on it, why should the individual customer matter? That's just how business works. I thought some companies out there still cared for the consumer, but I'm going to venture a guess that none actually do.

So, now what? I got nothing; I have no next course of action. I didn't even get any closure.

If anyone has any suggestions for what to do next, other than have her mail me a pre-paid envelope so I can poop in it and mail it back to her, please let me know. I'm tired of feeling helpless when pitted against the corporate machine.

Damn the Man. Damn Him.


***UPDATE*** Since pooping in the pre-paid envelope might somehow get me arrested, I think what I'm going to do is hard boil an egg, draw a middle finger on it, and plug the headphones directly into the egg, and mail that to them. Any/all ideas are appreciated, thank you.

If Anyone Still Reads This...

Dear Loving and Adoring Fans,

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I've been busy.

Guess what! I'm probably going to be even more busy pretty soon here. Between working and catching up on the (so far) 1 month of schoolwork I have ignored this semester, I should not even be allowed to use the internet. However, if I was not allowed to use the internet, I would go completely insane, strangle my son and wife leaving bibles next to both of their bodies, and then hang myself with the cord on my lat pulldown machine.

No, that doesn't sound familiar.

Anyway, I've got some projects, papers, tests, presentations, etc. coming up, and I'm working more hours. So, basically, you won't see me on here for a little while. If you get starved for content, comment angrily and I might make an honorary post for you (but probably not). I never think of fun things to write about anymore, anyway.

See you soon (hopefully).

But probably not too soon.

Love,

Daniel

New Headphones

My new headphones came, 2 days after ordering them. Initial review: awesome. Initial status: fully erect.

I will SURELY let you know if they end up not being as cool as I believe them to be initially.

They came with a leather pouch, too, which is neat. I'll never use it, but I'll figure out something to do with it.

Mine look just like the ones pictured above, except I put the black ear pieces on them instead of clear.

V-Moda Vibe

Great bass response, maybe a little too much, though... and the treble is a touch low. Nothing a well-tuned equalizer can't solve, though. So, for the price ($71.99), these seem like awesome earbud headphones.

That's all for now. Go Lions!!!

Letter to Sony

I hate Sony. So I wrote them the following letter:

Daniel N. Fishman
[Address Censored for Privacy Retention Purposes - Nosy Bastards!]
Boston, MA 02115

September 19, 2007

Sony Electronics Inc.
12451 Gateway Blvd.
Fort Meyers, FL 33913

To Whom It May Concern:

I purchased a pair of Sony earbud headphones (MDR-EX71SLA) in January of this year. Four months later, 30 days after the manufacturer’s warranty had expired, the headphones stopped working (the right earbud no longer produced sound). I took the headphones into the Sony Style store in Copley Place Mall in Boston, Mass., where I had purchased them four months prior. The manager gave me a new pair without my receipt or the box in which they came, no additional questions asked. Great, I thought.
Four months later, 30 days after the new manufacturer’s warranty had expired on the new headphones, the right earbud stopped working in the exact same manner in which the previous pair had. I went back into the store, on September 18, 2007, and spoke to Nick Hiatt, manager on duty for the evening. The staff was not helpful in the least; I waited 15 minutes for Mr. Hiatt to hurriedly tell me that there was nothing he could do for me – even though I had purchased an obviously faulty product designed to break down just past the warranty deadline. Even with the receipt and the original packaging (which I was sure to keep the second time around) in which the headphones came, I was denied satisfaction.
Mr. Hiatt commented that I should have purchased the extended care program when I first purchased the product (insurance on a $50 pair of headphones!) Typically, these programs are a scam, designed to earn the manufacturer a lot of extra money while costing them very little in turn. Usually, the offer of a service plan means that the product is of high quality and the insurance is unnecessary (and thus profitable), or that it’s a faulty product and the insurance provides an endless line of inferior headphones to replace each broken pair – I trusted that coming from a familiar brand, supposedly known for its quality, that the extended service plan was merely a safety net for higher-end products of much greater value.
I figured there was no way the headphones would stop functioning so quickly outside the manufacturer’s warranty under normal use. I was wrong.
I will gladly pay more money for a more reliable brand that believes in a quality product and the utmost customer satisfaction. More often than not, however, those competing brands are even less expensive than Sony.
It is dishonest to operate as a company that relies on the ignorance of the consumer to spend money on a Sony product that is inferior, just because of name recognition.
I assumed Sony to be a company worthy of trust, and blindly (see: ignorantly) went to the Sony store looking for a moderately-priced, quality product without any prior research.
I refuse to make the same mistake of being an uninformed consumer again. After reading several reviews from magazines, websites, and consumers, I made an informed purchase from a competing brand that makes similar products of a much higher quality. Not on a single one of those reviews did I see a Sony product rated in the top 5, or even top 10.
I see which direction the Sony Corporation has gone in, and it disappoints me greatly. The basis of running a business is to respect the customer; it is nice to see that Sony has left the consumer behind in the name of cost cutting. Congratulations!
I will never purchase a Sony product again – not for myself; not for my business; not for my friends, family, or even my enemies (as punishment). Never.
Good luck in years to come – your business will surely continue to thrive with its ever-dissolving customer base.

Sincerely,



Daniel N. Fishman

Infected Mushroom

No, Infected Mushroom is not an STD. They're a band. From Israel. Crazy, angry, Jew techno. Incredible.

Friday night, I went to axis right after work, planning to see Infected Mushroom.

Sold out.

My friend Nicole, working inside, said they would be releasing about 200 tickets at 10 PM, so we stayed in line. We were maybe 15-20 people back from the front of the line, so we figured we were safe. No worries. 10 PM rolled around, still "sold out". Apparently, they thought fewer people on the guest list/will call would actually show up.

So, we waited.

And waited...

At 11:45, we left. We decided to just give up and go home; we missed the concert, oh well. Next time, buy tickets in advance (though it wasn't really that easy, because I was PISSED).

5 minutes after we left, Nicole text messaged me saying they were FINALLY selling tickets. The price was now $30 (up from $15) and going up every few minutes. We rushed back, got in line, and were told to wait. They requested the miniature, purple tickets they had given us to hold our place in line -- we had thrown them out when we left out of frustration (plus, we figured they were useless, and they had only given them to us to get us to vacate the front of the building).

After pleading with the bouncer, who remembered us from earlier in the evening, Barone, Steve and myself got let in. We were the last 3 people allowed into the bulding. We walked up to the ticket window, and who was there? Nicole. She gave us free tickets.

We were finally inside, a bit disoriented, loud house music playing on the PA; we made our way near the stage. We had arrived just in time to see Infected Mushroom take the stage for their first song (drummer, keyboard/synth guy, metal guitarist who looked like Slash from GNR, and bald-headed, crazy, lead singer who looked like Shrek (only white, not green)).

Not only did we get in for free, but we missed NOTHING (except opening local DJs). IM played from 12:15 until 2:00 AM, assaulting my eardrums with angry Jew trance. What was going on in the crowd, I cannot even describe. I wish my pictures turned out alright, but, alas, they are garbage.

I danced my face off, completely sober, and sweat through everything I was wearing (though it was so hot and we were packed in so tight, it was probably sweat from not only myself but every other attendee surrounding me).

Here's the song they opened the night with (though live it's way more intense [the lyrics are ridiculous]):



When the show got out, my ears were ringing. They were still ringing Saturday at work. I didn't regain my hearing until Sunday afternoon. For awhile, I was legitimately frightened that I had permanently lost my hearing. It was quite scary.

Speaking of Sunday, the Lions won. 1-0. Undefeated. Keep it up.

Tonight was Old Man Rusteika's 21st birthday (and Lucy's 20th birthday). Tim was HAMMERED drunk (and so was Lucy [good luck to her at work tomorrow morning]). That pretty much wraps things up.

I'm drunk.

Until next time, farewell.

Cedar Point Pics

A view of the park on the way in. At this point, I'm shaking with excitement like a small child awaiting the arrival of Santa Claus. Except Cedar Point is real, and fucking Santa Claus isn't. Stupid kid. I'm way cooler than you.


Ride #1. It swung back and forth like a pendulum, while the end of it spun in circles. I vomited 11 times before, during and after this ride. I don't remember what it was called, but the name was super hanky, as can be expected.


Ahhh, yes, the Mantis. We were walking by it and the wait was approximately 10 minutes, so we had to ride it. You stand up during the ride and it puts a ton of pressure on your knees and balls. It really hurts, and I regret riding it every time. I can't wait to ride it again next time I go, so I can regret it.


The giant first hill of the Millenium Force. Possibly the best roller coaster ever. It's like the Jr. Gemini or the Blue Streak, except exactly the opposite. Fun.


The Mean Streak. It's called the mean streak because it's the most painful rollercoaster ever designed. It is or was the largest/fastest wooden roller coaster in America (the world?), and I sustained permanent kidney damage from riding it. There was literally no line, though, so how can I turn it down? A little bit of internal bleeding is worth it. Honestly, it feels like each kidney has a separate jackhammer going to town on it, for about 3 minutes.


This ride is seriously sweet. The "Top Thrill Dragster" (their marketing team is really genius). It launches you from a complete stop to 120 mph in about 2 or 3 seconds, then you go up that hill, and back down at probably 90 mph. It lasts 30 seconds and is the best 30 seconds ever. If you ever go to Cedar Point and don't ride this, you are an idiot.


This is the launching area for the dragster. I don't know why I took a picture of it, and now you have to look at it. Enjoy.


The Raptor. The last ride we went on, it made us all incredibly dizzy and might have given Colin a concussion. We rode more rides than those pictured here, but it was a long day of extreme heat, and a great deal of sweating that resulted in a high degree of lethargy.


Notice said lethargy. I think I might have caught Dan picking his nose. That's awesome.


Pizza buffet. Dan decided to get peach slices with his pizza and salad. He did wash his hands after picking his nose, by the way. He's classy like that.


Look at how beautiful Dan's plate is. Very colorful, well-balanced, and an excellent presentation. Canned peaches have never looked so good. That's chicken, bacon and ranch pizza, too, if you're keeping score at home. Delicious.


Believe it or not, those are all the pictures I took at Cedar Point (and the pizza buffet). I didn't even take pictures of other stuff at home. I need to get better about that so you can share in my fun.

Have a nice day folks, and Happy Labor Day.